Say it isn’t so! This freakish Adams-Family-esque couple from Real Housewives of New York City has hit the skids? What could have possibly gone wrong? Was it Simon’s bad accent? Bad wardrobe? Was it Alex’s ongoing delusions about her modeling career and parenting skills? Perhaps Simon tired of Alex’s awkward confrontations with her girlfriends and her subsequent blotchy neck. Did Simon finally reveal what everyone has long suspected — that he prefers men? It’s anyone’s guess what happened to these social-ladder-climbing fiends, but fear not. They are doing what any reasonable reality TV couple does when their marriage is in trouble. They are going on another reality TV show, VH1’s Couples Therapy, to get things back on track. Yeah, that'll work.
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Put ‘er there if your heart broke just a little when Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey broke up after their MTV show Newlyweds. Same here. They were just so stinkin’ cute. Damn it anyway. Did they not watch Jessica’s video, The Sweetest Sin? That was some serious chick porn right there. Yeah, so we could see where Nick would tire of Jessica’s dinginess, but they just looked so amazing together. Couldn’t they have stayed together for our sakes? Celebrities are so selfish sometimes.
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At this point, it’d be easier to count the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marriages that are still intact, rather than try to keep track of the ones that have crumbled to pieces. This is just the latest in a long string of defunct unions. The separation of Adrienne and Paul will come as no surprise to RHBH viewers, as most of the interactions between these two were tense and contemptuous with Adrienne usually openly emasculating Paul. She also made no apologies for preferring the company of their yappy, poop-all-over-the-house dog. When your spouse prefers the company of an untrained house pet to you, the writing is kind of on the very expensive walls.
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Jon and Kate Plus 8 quickly become Jon Plus Some Tabloid Queen Half His Age and Kate Plus A Lot of Plastic Surgery, Plus a Body Guard Plus 8. The original title was definitely a bit snappier, don’t you think? The reality TV aspect of this relationship probably had very little to do with the demise of the marriage. It was all rooted in Kate’s hair. Did you see that mess when the show first aired? What the hell was she thinking? We’re kidding, of course. Many marriages can’t survive the pressure and stress of parenting a couple of kids. Can you imagine trying to co-parent eight kids that are more or less the same age? The saddest thing about this split is that no one really seems better off. Sure, Jon no longer gets publicly treated like a knuckle-dragging chuckle-head, but he’s also become a bit of a joke and so has Kate. Sad times 10.
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Was it all the public scrutiny of Keeping up with the Kardashians that doomed this couple? Naw. It was more about the distraction of notoriety, fame, publicity and bank that sidelined this unlikely duo. We mention it only because it is the most legendary of splits due to the cost of the wedding (reportedly $10 million) and the brevity of the marriage (72 days). This basic mathematical equation proves what your grandmother already knows — the less you spend on a marriage, the longer it lasts.
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