Tom Still Happy There Was No Prenup!

There were many surprises at Comedy Central’s Roast of Roseanne -- including Jeffrey Ross dressed as Joe Paterno, Roseanne’s TV kids and a sweet confession by ex-husband Tom Arnold! Check out the highlights and politically incorrect jokes from this night of laughs.

Roseanne Roast Red Carpet

Jane Lynch made for a fabulous Roastmaster last night at the Hollywood Palladium. The lanky ladette welcomed the audience to this “menopause-apalooza,” which would be the first of many “period” jokes of the night, including “original Becky” Alicia Goranson handing Carrie Fisher a tampon.

Lynch garnered many laughs by roasting Roseanne’s drug use and choice in men. She told Roseanne, “You converted to white trash when you married Tom Arnold. All that white powder on his lip made you think there must be a doughnut around somewhere.”

Cutie Amy Schumer was the first roaster, commenting that the dais looked like “the US Women’s Olympic Team:  they’re tired, worn out and don’t get their periods any more.”

Ellen Barkin filled in for no-show Sharon Stone, telling 90s sitcom star Roseanne, "You can make anything hard -- except a penis."

In what was probably the most crass move of the night, Jeffrey Ross showed up on the red carpet dressed as Joe Paterno, flanked by two young men wearing only football helmets and towels.

During the roast, Ross told Roseanne that “normally when I roast a pig, it has an apple in its mouth.”  He handed her a Granny Smith, which Roseanne promptly threw at him.

Carrie Fisher cringed when comments were directed at her, even giving the finger to Seth Green at one point. But Fisher doled out the jokes surprisingly well, saying fellow roaster "Wayne Brady is so white, I tried to snort you tonight.”

Katey Sagal seemed optimistic about Roseanne’s run for president, reminding us that when she did the Roseanne show, “she knocked Cosby out of the box.” 

Probably the biggest surprise of the night was the appearance of Tom Arnold, who claimed he hadn’t been in the same room with Roseanne in 18 years.

Arnold bashed Roseanne's Twitter feed, but acknowledged she earned her success from the first time she appeared on Johnny Carson, who gave her a thumbs-up and invited her to sit on the couch. He admitted to the crowd that, “Roseanne was my Johnny Carson. But I did learn from her one mistake -- I made my current wife sign a prenup.” Lesson learned.

Then it was time for the queen to take the spotlight (or two spotlights, as Sagal commented earlier). She told Seth Green that Jane Lynch must have “vibrators bigger than you” and thanked Arnold for coming, saying, “but Jesus f***ing Christ, how many jobs do I have to get for you?” She also made a comment about hoping Arnold’s new wife is enjoying her money.

Comedy Central will air an edited version of Roseanne’s Roast on August 12, but it’s unlikely you’ll see Jeffrey Ross’s bit on the red carpet. Hopefully, they’ll keep all the best laughs from this night that celebrated a true Hollywood icon.

Jeffrey Ross at Roseanne's Roast

Photo credit: FayesVision/


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