Can We Have Our Eight Minutes Back?
Young women's hearts all skipped the same beat when they read the headline describing Shia LaBeouf’s full frontal nudity. This was quickly replaced by a profound “huh?” when they realized it was more full side-al, not frontal nudity, and that it was for some Icelandic band, Sigur Ros. Sig-who? What follows is eight and a half minutes of weirdness. Here’s a brief minute-by-minute description that will save you all kinds of time…
1st minute: Not-Shya LaBuff wastes no time shucking his drawers for full side nudity. The first minute is all bandages, bruises, butterflies and butts. What’s that you say? You don’t get the correlation? That’s because there isn’t any. As for details on the nudity, Shia looks pretty average in a nude-model-for-art-class kind of way. We’re not sure what to make of the half-ponytail, and Shia could probably benefit from a little he-scaping, but outside of that he doesn’t look amazing and he doesn’t look repulsive. He sort of falls midway on the boys-we-thought-we-wanted-to-see-naked scale.
2nd minute: Cue weird dance routines in zebra tights and feather stoles (which Shia and his female co-host trade back and forth). It's right about here that you start to wonder if Shia is related to someone in Sigur Ros and wanted to do them a favor or if he lost a bet.
3rd minute: Shia and his “dance” partner’s routine is interrupted by random dudes who hand them lollipops that light up. No! Not random dudes with illuminated lollipops. Yep, afraid so. These are not your ordinary random dudes with lollipops that light up, however. They also blindfold Shia and his gal pal and take them to a fake car. Note: We lost all interest at 3 minutes, 43 seconds and would have stopped watching if we didn’t want to bring you this detailed account. You’re welcome.
4th minute: Here we are regaled with images of freaky zebra-tights girl doing leg circles while hanging from the bed canopy. This may have been erotic, if it didn’t remind us of the Richard Simmons’ workout routines from decades ago.
5th minute: Shia decides to paint a smiley face on his girlfriend’s bare chest with black paint. Awww. How romantic. Who among us hasn’t looked at our man-friend and said, “Hey, Baby. What say you cover me in black paint while I writhe around on the bed frame and white linens?” This video was completely realistic up until this point.
6- 7 ½ minutes: Shia’s little lady gets all bat crazy because he’s not paying attention to a framed dead butterfly… or something like that. They start breaking stuff, and she slaps him. Serves him right! How dare he not fully appreciate her dead butterfly art! Jerk! Random dudes come back and start sweeping up the mess (of course they do — that’s how random dudes roll).
7 ½- 8 ½ minutes: Credits. It’s a bit baffling that anyone would want to take credit for this, but they did. And it took a whole minute.
Image courtesy of WENN.com