Children adore their pets. They tend to get cranky and resentful when parents jeopardize the health of their beloved pets, especially if the little creatures end up croaking as a direct result of parental neglect. Courtney Love's daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, wasn’t in love with how her cat died, entangled in a web of Courtney’s filth. Then the dog went right ahead and overdosed on Momma Love's pills. Let's face it, when you have a baby, you don’t coo in its little sweet face and say, "Someday you’re going to grow up and in a drug-fueled haze, I’m going to endanger your beloved pets." Come on Courtney. If you can’t care for pets, you have no business caring for a child. The lesson to be learned here is practice on a gold fish. If it lives, try a cat. Once you have mastered caring for a cat, try a small dog. If your dog lives five or more years then think about having a baby.
Childcare takes a lot of time and energy, so if you’re constantly passed out cold in the corner, drooling on yourself, you probably aren’t going to be a terribly effective parent. All children will initially take advantage of this scenario. They will sit down with the cookie jar and feed their little faces until their eyes roll back in their heads, congratulating themselves on how clever they are. They’ll probably get a permanent marker and do a little artwork on the carpet and walls while you take a Xanax nap. They’ll dress the cat up a of couple times (assuming you haven’t killed it) but eventually they will get bored. It is at this precise moment that they will realize the weight of your neglect and start to harbor intense feelings of hatred toward you. Next, your child will beg other family members to take legal custody, which will be a long, embarrassing and expensive process for you.
Most of us with a uterus already know intuitively that we will become an embarrassment, on some level, to our children. They will forgive us if the embarrassing gesture is a direct result of wardrobe choice, a verbal blunder in front of a couple friends, or our general presence at school, sporting events, the store, the doctor’s office, etc. However, if we actively seek to bicker with them through a public platform (like Courtney Love did last week when she embarrassed Frances by making a completely ill-founded claim on Twitter), our children will rebel. A child may get piercings, tattoos, do something outlandish with their hair, or break curfew. As with the previous hint, you will know you have caused irreparable damage if your child asks a judge to disinvite you from being their legal guardian. (Hey Courtney, are you starting to see a pattern yet?)
This concludes a seemingly obvious summary of basic parenting skills -- when you have kids, don’t be strung out on drugs, don’t kill their pets with your neglect and don’t humiliate them in public. Happy parenting!
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