Dear Brangelina's wedding planner,
Here are some pointers for organzing one of the most anticipated and long overdue weddings of the last decade. No pressure.
Choose the wedding gown carefully.
Rule number one. Do not get a dress with a slit in it. Rule number two. Do not get a dress with a slit in it. Angelina Jolie (God love her and her gorgeous gams) may not be able to resist the urge to stick her leg out in an exaggerated, and dare we say, awkward fashion. Can you imagine the poor dear trying to walk down the aisle while stopping to stick her leg out every step of the way? That could take a really long time. Also, we implore you, Wedding Planner, please do not let the woman wear a black dress with nude pumps. And go right ahead and hide all of her khaki trench coats while you’re at it.
Anyone who’s had a little kid knows that the second you bundle them up in something (like snow gear, for example) they announce that they have to pee. Can you imagine a brood of six kids all dressed in wedding clothes and all of them chiming in unison that they have to use the bathroom? This is maybe a good time to point out that the kids should be bathed on the big day, because according to reports, the kids bathe when they want to, which isn’t often, and Brad Pitt's friends have said that his kids “smell like Johnny Depp.”
Brad and Angie, and the public for that matter, don't need another headline similar to the one when the couple visited Kenya together. Remember the tale of how guests were woken to “terrifying” sounds that made them think “an animal was being killed?" So if Kenya’s not remote enough, we’re not sure what is. The Arctic Circle, perhaps? Of course the “night of infamy” did happen when Brad and Angelina first hooked up. Now that they’ve been together for seven years, they have six kids and they will be married, you could probably put them in a hotel lobby and it wouldn’t matter.
Rumor has it that Brad and Angie’s brood prefer junk food, sugar and fast food. A smart caterer will do her homework and incorporate this into the theme of the wedding. Here is a suggested menu. Appetizer: donuts; dinner: Big Macs finished with ketchup and mustard, fries tossed in sea salt, garnished with Doritos and Oreos; dessert: wedding cake, of course! Though instead of spending $10,000 on an elaborate confection monument, a well-constructed tower of Twinkies and Ring-Dings should do nicely.
If we know these crazy kids (we’re referring to Brad and Angelina), they’ll want to commemorate their special day with a permanent account of the latitude and longitude of where the wedding vows are exchanged.
Any wedding planner who wants to score this illustrious event should be mindful of Angie’s admission that as a child, she wanted to be a vampire when she grew up. Don’t bore Angie with suggestions of extravagant orchids and lilies. Drape Brad in green velvet and hook him up with fake fangs like his character in Interview with a Vampire (he was a sexy beast in that movie, was he not?). The wedding venue should have red walls, ornate crystal chandeliers and a coffin or two.
OK, wedding planners, you’re welcome. If you land The Event of the Decade based on our well-thought out suggestions, save us a piece of the Twinkie and Ring Ding cake. Thanks.
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