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We Made Channing Tatum's Tinder Profile Because He'll Need It Soon

Sarah Aswell is a contributing writer at SheKnows who covers entertainment news. Her humor writing has appeared in places like The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Splitsider, The Hairpin, MAD Magazine, and Reductress. Follow her on Twitter at @...

If Hollywood's most eligible bachelor had a Tinder profile...

It's been a little over a month since Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan announced their amicable split after nine years of marriage. Over at SheKnows, we're doing OK and healing — thanks for asking.

Since the announcement, the former couple have started to move on. Jenna has taken down her Instagram pics of the two of them and removed her wedding ring, while Chan has resumed social media posts after taking a few weeks off. Their next move? We're guessing that any day now, C-Tates is going to start dating again, and of course we think he's so down to earth that he'll probably fire up a Tinder account.

We also know that he's been off the dating market since 2006, when he met Jenna, and Tinder didn't launch until 2012, meaning that he'll probably need a lot of help with his profile, from writing his summary to picking pictures. And we are here to help. If we fall in love with each other in the process? We are fine with that. We would honestly star in an upcoming feature film together, which we imagine will be called Magic Mike XXX: Happily Ever After.

Let's get started.

More: Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan Tatum Announce Split With the Sweetest Statement Ever

If Hollywood's most eligible bachelor had a Tinder profile...

More: Here Are Some Things You May Not Know About Channing Tatum

Next, pictures

Here are some guidelines: 

Don't post a blurry, badly-angled selfie of you in a baseball cap. No women are going to go for that. Although, now that we've seen yours, that actually looks pretty damn good.

If Hollywood's most eligible bachelor had a Tinder profile...
Image: Pinterest

But definitely don't share a shirtless picture. Even if you look pretty good with the top popped, research shows that women find it vain and a little creepy to see on dating websites.

However... in your case, yes, please post that. And also make us a poster for our bedroom wall.

OK, but definitely, definitely don't share a picture of Jenna with her face scratched out and claim that it's just you and your sister. That is the worst Tinder move in the book. The whole world knows exactly what Jenna's collarbones look like, and we will come after you.

If Hollywood's most eligible bachelor had a Tinder profile...
Image: WENN

There's not as much research on this, but we're pretty sure that single women love to see a man posing with a bottle of the vodka brand that you've recently launched. Especially if it's taken outdoors!

Women also enjoy seeing men on Tinder hanging out and having fun with their guy friends.

But we're sure that the very best way to get women to swipe right is obvious: Post a picture of you and freaking Roxane Gay. We literally don't know a person on earth who would pass this up.

A post shared by Channing Tatum (@channingtatum) on

More: Kristen Bell Has a Very Zen Opinion About Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan Tatum's Split

Other online dating tips

Don't message a woman just with "hi" or "What's up?" Someone like you should start a Tinder conversation with something like, "I am Channing Tatum."

A recent study found that women only swipe right 14 percent of the time. But, well, we don't think that's going to be a problem for you, really.

If you're tall, you should list your height. If you're Channing Tatum, just point that out immediately and you'll be fine.

You want to emphasize your best features. In your case, this probably means showing absolutely everything. Come on — you owe this to America.

Finally, remember that online dating can be frustrating and stressful! If you get discouraged, just give us a call. We can comfort you over a cup of coffee, or maybe dinner?

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