Have you ever wondered what it would be like to spend a day married to Chris Pratt? What a stupid question; of course you have. Chris Pratt is the charming doofus we all dated in high school who suddenly got super hot and now you're sitting there going, "Wow, hello, hot former boyfriend."
What's better, I feel like in the celebrity couple ecosystem, Pratt and his wife, Anna Faris, are kind of in the Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell realm of coupledom: goofy, playful and, for all intents and purposes, very much in love.
Faris recently tweeted that she'd keep us updated, which turned out to actually mean livetweeting her day with Pratt as they got ready for the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 premiere, and it was everything.
First of all, at 8:24 a.m., she tweets a picture of herself standing in front of her shower. One would assume, given the setting, that she was about to take a shower. Instead of showering, Faris does the most relatable thing ever and goes back to bed and starts scrolling through her Twitter feed.
Welcome to my life, Anna Faris. We'll both get around to cleaning ourselves eventually, right?
Next, she documents the return of her loving husband. Instead of making him pose with a grin or take a selfie, she posts a shot of his back as he walks through their home after a yoga class. Look at this body language:
832 am. Chris just got back from yoga. Doesn't know what I'm up to yet. Will he be annoyed? Let's find out. pic.twitter.com/r9ZszBhoKm— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) April 19, 2017
That is the body language of a man who's thinking to himself, "I hate that I'm awake right now. I am never getting up for a 7 a.m. yoga class ever again. This is some real bullshit. Never again. Never. Again."
Faris knows this. She knows the way all partners know and yet, instead of backing off and giving him space, she's like, "Huh. Let's see if livetweeting this moment of suffering can deepen it juuust a little more." #Hero.
Next, the livetweeting takes a little detour with a cute picture of her son with a not-so-cute snake, and I'd like to take a similarly not-related detour to discuss this next photo.
Faris finally gets around to actually showering at 9:18 a.m., complete with mascara doubling as raccoon eyes, and then posting this:
918am. Guess who showered but clearly didn't wash face very well? Also morn news a little boring today pic.twitter.com/5yjlD30raR— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) April 19, 2017
Now, can we just stop for a moment and look at the sheer number of products they have stockpiled in that back room?
WTF is going on there? Is this normal? I know everyone's got their stuff that they can't live without. I, too, have a basket of assorted products. But really, guys, this looks like half a drugstore. Is it because I'm just a poor Canadian lady and they're a rich Hollywood couple? Are they secret hoarders? Is Chris Pratt low-key high-maintenance? I have so many more questions about this situation, but I digress.
Next, Faris tweets a handful of getting-ready shots. Having her hair done, nails painted, makeup applied. Then she graces us with this picture, which just might answer some of my questions while also inspiring a few more:
Now it's getting real. Chris may be annoyed. 403pm pic.twitter.com/67qMmlTdCO— Anna Faris (@AnnaKFaris) April 19, 2017
There is just so much happening here.
1. What is on Pratt's face? Yes, he has shaving cream on his neck, but WTF is under his eyes and around his mouth? Is this some sort of magic de-wrinkling patch? I feel like this is a thing that everyone knows about and I'm just sitting here, all wrinkled and foolish, like, "Duh, they invented that?! I mean... can you guys at least tell me next time so I don't have to find out from Chris Pratt?
2. Pratt is definitely low-key high-maintenance. All of those products in the bathroom? His, for sure. Boxes full of these bewildering anti-wrinkle patches. Tubs full of lotions and potions. I'm onto you, sir. You don't fool me anymore.
3. The mirror drawings! One is a poorly drawn cartoon. One seems to say "Sland Time 86" (...Island time? Stand time? Who knows).The other writing seems to be a workout routine. Semi-interesting, but at least now we know that the Faris-Pratts are mirror-writers, and let me tell you, that would not fly in my house.
4. Yes, Anna. Chris is definitely annoyed. Thank you for bringing us this moment of realness.
Faris continues the livetweeting right until they arrive at the movie premiere. The pros take over picture duty and her feed goes quiet.
As soon as it's over, I want more. I want her to livetweet every day with Pratt. Expose more of his diva antics. Show us more of the secret product hoard. Continue aggravating her spouse for the delight of the internet. Pretty please?
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