I've never really been into James Corden's Carpool Karaoke.
I don't have a specific reason for this blasé attitude toward one of today's most popular shows; the appeal just sort of escapes me. I'm very "meh" about the whole thing.
But my reaction this morning when I read that Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham would be appearing on an upcoming episode was anything but meh. It was more like...
I will 100 percent watch this, and you should too. Why, you ask? Why should you be excited to see Victoria Beckham on Carpool Karaoke? Why will this episode of Carpool Karaoke be infinitely better than literally any other episode?
Let me break it down for you.
I'm not being mean, I swear.
I love Victoria Beckham; we all do, don't we? She's too ridiculous not to love. When my sisters and I played Spice Girls I was always Posh.
But, um, that doesn't change the fact that guys, she really can't sing. She's admitted as much herself, revealing in May of 2016 that her mic was often silenced during live Spice Girls gigs, explaining "[My producers] used to turn it off and just let the others sing."
And that's a bit of an issue because that's literally what Carpool Karaoke is! Singing! And it's not like she has three other girls to cover up the absence of her voice (unless we get a surprise appearance by the other girls, which seems extremely unlikely), so it'll just be James Corden!
Seriously, what in the hell is this going to look like? What is it going to sound like?
I feel like Victoria Beckham has a wicked sense of humor, but I have very little information with which to verify this hunch.
Beckham has devoted herself to staying out of the spotlight for the most part other than the odd appearance to promote her fashion line — and on these occasions, she typically shows up quite briefly, sometimes wearing oversize dark sunglasses, but almost always with her trademark pout firmly in place.
She's worked tirelessly to cultivate an image of a serious fashion designer. So which Beckham are we going to see sitting beside Corden? The pouty fashion model? Or the goofy, ribald, sassy woman I know lurks just beneath her impeccably cut clothing?
And speaking of clothing...
Other than the singing, this is the part I'm most excited for.
The reason I love Victoria Beckham so much is that she's so extra. Her hair is extra. For years, her boobs were extra. Her heels have always been extra-extra. And her outfits, though they've become a little more tailored and classic since she's launched her eponymous fashion line, are usually extra too.
She once claimed she didn't go to the gym because she wouldn't be able to wear heels, explaining, "I'd love to go to the gym, but I can't get my head around the footwear." And although she recently renounced heels — at least while she's working — I can't wait to see what she shows up in.
Is she going to go all out, styled to the nines like we usually see her? Or is she going to try to pretend to be casual, wearing an outfit that would still be considered fancy by most of us common folk? Is she going to be tottering to the car in six-inch stilettos? Or will she don a pair of casual sneakers that still cost more than three months of my rent? Also...
Victoria Beckham is known for posing hard. She has studied herself for countless hours in front of a mirror, flexing and tilting and swiveling and jutting so that her best angle is always on display, so her arms always look extra-skinny, and her cheekbones are extra defined.
At this point, she's got it down to a science.
But posing while seated in a car is... awkward. First of all, you can't see legs, which are one of Beckham's best assets. Second, your torso is all squished, and as a result, there are often wrinkles and fabric bunching and sometimes even — gasp — stomach rolls!
Can you even imagine Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham with stomach rolls? Mark my words, she will not tolerate that shit for a second.
So. Posh on Carpool Karaoke. Not singing, not moving, dressed to the nines and trying to suppress her (potentially) hilarious sense of humor in favor of a cheek-slimming pout. How could you possibly not want to watch this?
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