As you may have heard, Brad Pitt is going through a divorce.
Recently, news reports emerged that he's been holed up in an LA art studio listening to Bon Iver and other sad music to cope with the grief.
Well, we thought we'd help by expanding his music tastes a bit. We're going to walk Pitt through a musical journey touching on each of the five stages of grief according to Elizabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
OK, so Brad, this is a great tune to ease yourself into the reality of your situation because it sounds pretty upbeat at first before the weight of what's really happened truly sinks in. You've got a solid beat and a sweet piano line and you're nodding your head and tapping your feet and then, gradually, you start hearing the lyrics.
"So what, somebody left you in a rut
And wants to be the one who's in control
But the feeling that you're under can really make you wonder
How the hell she can be so cold
"So now you're mad, denying the truth
And it's hidden in the wisdom in the back of your tooth"
Yeah. So let this one sink in a few times, Brad. You know? Give it a listen once or twice or eight times. And when you're ready, move on with us to Stage 2.
OK, so obviously Beyoncé, right? I mean, Don't Hurt Yourself is the perfect angry breakup song. It's got badass Bey swaggering around a dimly lit parking garage wearing the hell out of high-waisted gray leggings that would make anyone else look like a deranged geriatric step class instructor but goddamn does she pull it off.
And yes, yes, Brad, it is sung from a female perspective, but it's 2017. Expand your mind and make it work, OK?
If you don't feel even a little bit better after snarling along to the line, "Who the fuck do you think I is? You ain't married to no average bitch, boy," then I think we might be wasting our time here.
And while we're talking about angry women, here's a little Alanis for you. A classic. The gold standard for angry breakup music.
The utility of this song lies in its simplicity; it's wholly unabashed in its pettiness. I'd include some of the lyrics but uh, they're mostly expletives and also they're really quite simple and most of them are some variation of: "I don't fuck with you".
This song is for the car, Brad, maybe when you're on the way to your sad sculpture-making studio. Yell it. Just shout it out and really put some soul into it (don't try to keep up during the rap verses, though, you'll only embarrass yourself and make things worse. That's what I hear, anyway. Ahem.)
It's also strangely cathartic to refer to your ex as a little bitch, I don't know why. Science, probably.
Don't question it. Anger doesn't make sense, but don't worry. It also doesn't last forever. So just inhabit it fully while it's here, and when it dissipates, move on to Stage 3.
This is the worst stage, UGH. It's when you go over the past with a fine-toothed comb, what-if-ing and fantasizing about rewriting history. Wishing you'd never met them in the first place, wishing they'd done things differently, wishing you had... we've all been there. And while I recommend going through all of these stages, Brad, rather than skipping any, try to spend the least time in this one. It can suck you in if you let it.
Welp, let's get into it, shall we? Rihanna:
Rihanna knows. She's been there. You can tell.
"Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know
And because I'm Canadian, I'm going to rep one of my fellow Canucks for you, Brad. "Truffle Pigs" by Matthew Good Band has always seemed like a song for that time in a relationship when you know it's over, but don't quite want to admit it to yourself yet.
"Don't fail me now
Don't you even fucking think it
"We're dead somehow
But somehow we're still breathing
The secret's out
But it's too loud to think it"
And with a sweet strum of the acoustic guitar, we find ourselves in Stage 4.
So, this one is not a fun stage by any means. But like the others, it's necessary. Sink into it, Brad. You're well on your way to nurturing the depressive phase with songs by bands like Bon Iver, but here are some more heartbreaking songs to bawl your eyes out to.
Shhhh. Shhh, it'll be OK, Brad. Let it out.
It's OK to cry. Men cry all the time! You're human, Brad.
Yes. Let Johnny sing the pain away. We've done the hard parts and it's only blue skies from here on out!
You feel it, don't you, Brad? You're coming back to yourself! You're feeling love, feeling that glint of life again! It is what it is. You've accepted it. And now you can get back to the badass business of being yourself sans breakup angst.
Haim's right, Brad:
"I'm moving on
You can have my past, I´ll never get that back
I'm moving on, 'cause those days are gone
Days are gone"
And you know what, Brad and everyone else going through a breakup or a loss or a period of sadness?
You're going to be all all right. Promise.
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