Aaron Carter has released a new EP called Love.
Oh, except it's not called "Love" it's called LØVË, because of course it is.
Why is Aaron Carter using a slashed O and an "e" with an umlaut? No one knows. There's no good reason for it, much like there's no good reason for anything that happened in the one-minute-and-45-second-long interview he recently gave to Page Six, presumably designed to promote said album.
Don't watch it. It's terrible.
I will tell you how terrible it is scene by scene so that you don't have to watch it. You're welcome.
First, Carter opens the "interview" by telling us how he slays the ladies. Yes, Aaron Carter giving dating advice is a real thing that is happening.
He says, in an unexpectedly high-pitched voice: "OK, so the way for me to seal the deal? 'Hey, my name's Aaron Carter, what's your name?'"
As he says this, he contorts his face into an irritatingly insipid leer that I think he is employing in order to try to appear seductive, but it's not working because he's Aaron Carter and he just unironically used the phrase "seal the deal."
Next, he is asked about his favorite part of a woman. Because why wouldn't you discuss and rank women's body parts as separate entities like choice cuts of meat when you're promoting your new album about love?
Carter has no issue with the question, however — hell, he probably wrote the question — and replies coyly, "So, my favorite part of the woman is her butt."
The woman, he says. And make no mistake, this syntax is important.
Can you even imagine Idris Elba saying " the woman" in such an oddly detached way?
Carter refers to women just like that Oklahoman anti-abortion lawmaker does — you know, the one who recently called pregnant women "hosts"? As though we are some sort of disembodied alien life-form designed exclusively for their use and appreciation.
But that's not the worst part. It's fucking bad, but it's not the worst. The worst is what he does after, and I'm sorry but I can't describe this. I have to show you.
What is that? Is he... biting at the camera? Is he mime-biting "the woman's" butt? Is this bewildering gesture designed to communicate how much he likes said butt? Is this some sort of ironic performance art where he performs an exaggerated caricature of toxic heterosexual masculinity? Are we being punked?
After the unfortunate mime-bite, he inexplicably says "ocks." Trust me, I double-checked it with closed captioning on to confirm, and yes, that is indeed what he said.
I don't know what the hell that means and I refuse to Google it. I will not let Aaron Carter besmirch my browser history any further.
Then, the haunting memory of that mime-bite still in my mind, we reach a new low. I present the following:
Interviewer: "Who was your celebrity crush?"
Aaron Goddamn Carter: "Well, my first celebrity crush was Sandra Bullock. Super-awkward. And then I actually ended up meeting her later with Demi Moore. I was hanging out with Demi Moore and the family, and Sandra Bullock walks into the room, and I was like, 'Oh no. What do I do?'"
What do you do indeed? What would you do when confronted with your celebrity crush? Blush? Attempt to introduce yourself? Perhaps allow yourself the tiniest bit of fangirling?
Not if you're Aaron Carter. This is what Aaron Carter tells us he did: "I think I farted a little bit."
At this point I'd like to remind you that this isn't a leaked interview or a so-called locker room conversation on a bus with Billy Bush never intended for public consumption à la President Donald "Grab 'Em By The Pussy" Trump.
This is a promotional interview. To promote his new album. That is called Love. (Sorry, LØVË).
He keeps going.
"No, I farted a little bit and she was like [he grimaces] and just walked away. It wasn't good."
Well yeah, no shit it wasn't good, Aaron! You met Sandra fucking Bullock and farted in front of her, forcing her to leave the vicinity!
Jesus Christ, man. Get it together!
The video then cuts to a clip from the video for his new song Fools Gold, where nervous farter Aaron Carter writhes around with "the woman" behind a foggy sheet of glass trying to get us to erase the previous minute and 10 seconds from our collective minds.
Next, he tells us that his favorite pickup line is, 'Hey, what's up? My name is Aaron. I have this new EP out. You should check it out. You should let me know what you think."
And then he winks.
And as he winks he makes an audible clicking sound — he's basically giving us the wink and the gun without the gun — and guys, I feel dirty. I feel so dirty.
Plus, this isn't a pickup line! This is a weak attempt at album promo! And, incidentally, neither one would work!
At this point I feel like I'm being sexually harassed through my computer screen — is that possible? If it is, Aaron Carter just did it. I put the video on mute and fast-forwarded through the rest of it and wait! He's not done miming yet, folks!
Carter mime plays the piano on his goddamn piano forearm tattoo.
Aaaand I'm done. I'm out. I can't watch any more. No one made him do this. He chose to. He chose to do this interview and I chose to watch this interview and now this goddamn creepy AF interview will live in my head forever.
I need a shower.
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