Cumberbatch is an Oscar-nominated British actor who's known for his high cheekbones and deep, baritone voice. He was easy to overlook until Sherlock, when he dyed his hair black and started wearing snugly tailored suits. I'm sure he had no clue what the BBC program would do for his career; but now, following movies like Star Trek: Into Darkness and The Imitation Game, Cumberbatch is hounded everywhere he goes by drooling, hysterical fans.
What horror! What terror! What the hell am I talking about? I’m one of the drooling, hysterical fans who has a Tumblr account dedicated to nothing but Cumberbatch's cheekbones, hair, eyes and amazing ass. I even own a T-shirt with his face on it. But as the new release, My name is X and I am a Cumberbitch, says: "You are not alone." The book helpfully claims it can get me back to "life BC (Before Cumberbatch)."
First, the book runs you through a diagnostic test, which includes such important questions as:
Following my diagnostic test, my suspicions were confirmed: I am a Cumberbitch.
So how do I move beyond my addiction and return to a life not filled with obsessive social media stalking and watching Cumberbatch YouTube interviews on repeat? Here are just a few suggestions from My name is X and I am a Cumberbitch.
Danger zones are places like Tumblr and, well, the entire Internet, because the man is just everywhere, doing interviews and posing for sexy photo shoots — always looking impeccable, of course. It's also suggested that we Cumberbitches definitely avoid the Isle of Wight where he got married because, Lord knows, the thought of Cumberbatch in a tux is enough to make me go cross-eyed.
Honestly, giving up all of Cumberbatch would be too much, too fast, but we can cut back. For instance, his looks have been compared to an otter, so going to the local aquarium might help. There's not only a wax representation of Cumberbatch at Madame Tussauds but a chocolate statue as well. Just a nibble would probably feed my addiction but help me wean.
For instance, the following: "Pull the hair on my head the wrong way and I would be on my knees, begging for mercy. I have very sensitive follicles." Child, please.
There's Ben of Ben & Jerry fame. He's not sexy, but his ice cream is scrumptious. There's Benedict Arnold, a sneaky defecting general from the American Revolutionary War. Definitely not sexy. There's the breakfast delight, Eggs Benedict. (On second thought, better skip that last one due to all the unavoidable jokes about "eating Benedict.")
I mean, even your dad has an Adam's apple — but not the Cumberbatch neck freckle. Wait! Sorry, getting distracted. Other people have hands — but not as long and elegant as… distracted again! Plenty of people have heterochromia iridis of the eyes (when the irises contain different colors), just like Cumberbatch. Don’t they?
After going through the process of practicing for my life BC, the book made me take a final test to see if I was over being a Cumberbitch. I failed. Miserably. But maybe it's OK to be a Ben addict. I mean, he's talented and seems like a really nice guy. He's not, like, shooting up or getting arrested for drag racing.
It's too late for me, but it's not too late for you. You can resist The Cumberbatch. Then again, if you're reading this article, you're probably too far gone, so go browse the endless GIFs on Tumblr and warm yourself by the glow of his smile.
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