Listen: We know how TV shippers work. We almost always want our favorite ladies to return to their first loves. But, in the real world, that just doesn't happen that often. And if any show is rooted in the "real world," it's Salem, right? (Ha!) Mary and John were good when they were younger. And they created the most beautiful spawn of Satan we've ever seen. (The Omen's Damien was creepy, but Lil' John is creepy and adorable. World domination: Here. He. Comes.) But their ship has sailed.
John and Mary are no good for each other. Need proof? Don't forget that infamous episode where Mary went walking through John's dreams. Who does that?! Would we have loved to know WTH he was thinking when he was slouched on the couch counting cracks in the ceiling? Sure. But no amount of witchcraft would lead us to wander through his mind. And remember: While she had fun toying with his, ahem, desires, she had no interest in thoroughly examining his feelings. Mary's still pissed he left and John will always be pissed she didn't wait. Moreover, he'll be pissed about that oh-so-terrifyingly adorable secret she kept from him. Too much time and too much bad blood have passed. Let it go.
That said, we do still want John to find love, right? Or, you know, at least some fulfillment. That's why, when this snippet of dialogue appeared on the official Salem Instagram account, we may have shrieked and added a few more ceiling cracks. Whatever. No regrets. This exchange is totally worth it.
Like what, Tituba? What could you do to each other? Describe it to us. In detail.
Hate Tituba all you want, but it's not like Mary hasn't been entertaining someone new. Let poor Alden get some already. Sheesh. Because reminder: Any sex scene with Shane West is a good sex scene.
More: Gasp! Is the set cursed?
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