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9 Reasons why porn in 3D is the worst idea of all time

Shanee Edwards is a screenwriter who earned her master's degree at UCLA Film School. She recently won the Next MacGyver television writing competition to create a TV show about a female engineer. Her TV pilot, Ada and the Machine, is cur...

Love, a porno in 3D, may ruin our lives but not for the reasons you might think

We all know the Cannes Film Festival is the leader for presenting provocative, cutting edge films. But when we learned the festival premiered Love, what may be the very first porno movie shot in 3D, we couldn't help but be very afraid.

Love, a porno in 3D, may ruin our lives but not for the reasons you might think

Image: Les Cinémas de la Zone

Edgy Argentine filmmaker Gaspar Noé clearly wants to shock people. Though his new film Love is deemed his most tame movie in terms of sexual content, it still contains full frontal nudity, threesomes and projectile bodily fluids. If that sounds like porn, well it is. Only this adult film is in 3D, and we seriously hope this doesn't become a trend. Here are nine reasons why we don't want any porn to be in 3D.

1. We hate the glasses

Sorry, 3D folks, but those glasses are never the right size and usually have some sort of smudge on them. Normally, we would just spit on the plastic lens and rub it with our shirt, but if that smudge came from someone watching porn, we're not even going to pick them up. Just ew.

More: Fifty Shades Darker: Everything we know about the sequel

2. We don't want to watch porn in public

Yes, even women watch porn, but gosh, we sure don't want anyone knowing that we do. If it were in 3D, we'd have to go out to the local Imax to see it, and that would just be a whole lot of awkward. We're totally fine just watching it on our iPads.

3. Body parts may look distorted

We're afraid that if certain body parts are thrust into our faces in three dimensions, they will likely look much larger than in real life. This could lead a lot of people to have unrealistic expectations when undressing a lover in real life. Unless someone invents special 3D glasses to wear in the bedroom.

4. Movie date nights will be ruined

We love to go on date nights to the cinema with our hubby or boyfriend. If we have to decide between Pitch Perfect 2 or a porno in 3D with our dudes, we're afraid they will never take us to see the Bellas sing again.

5. Fifty Shades of Grey will look like Sesame Street

We love us some Fifty Shades, but the franchise will lose all its credo when held up against movies where people are being cuffed and spanked in 3D. Christian Grey will look like one flat prude.

More: Fifty Shades cuts controversial tampon scene — read the excerpt now

6. Porn will no longer be free

Those 3D high-tech cameras are expensive to rent and difficult to operate. Highly skilled camera operators will also be required to make the porn films, no doubt passing the costs off to the ticket-buyer. We don't need the extra expense when we're trying to save for an Apple watch.

7. Popcorn and porn don't mix

These days, a bucket of popcorn can cost upward of $10. It's a salty taste we love but would hate to associate it with another salty taste, if you know what we mean.

8. Ducking from the money shot

Basically, the whole audience will want to duck when the male actor orgasms and we're worried we may accidentally bang our heads on the person next to us.

9. We'll have to buy new bras

To take advantage of the 3D technology, porn directors will likely want to cast actresses with super perky or torpedo-type breasts. It's likely women will want to imitate the look, and we will be tempted to trade in our push-up bras for ones that push out.

More: Fifty Shades of Yuck: Stomping Happy Meals and other things I learned in an S&M dungeon

Warning: This video contains mature content.

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