Because, let's face it, when he promises, "Tonight's show features a shocking turn of events that the entire world will be talking about tomorrow morning," we all assume he's talking about the same ol' Bachelor drama that is the most shocking ever every. Single. Episode.
Without further ado, Harrison cuts to Arlington, Iowa, where Soules is struggling with the realization that he is dating two awesome girls and will have to say goodbye to one of them. Because, you know, outside of Sister Wives, polygamy is still generally frowned upon.
Feeling overwhelmed by falling in love with both of them, he decides to clear his head with a stroll across one of his frigid fields. I'm thinking ABC could have cut the production budget in half if they'd simply brought the women in at this point and asked who'd be willing to hike 100 acres in the snow.
When he gets back, Soules heads over to his parents' house to powwow with the fam. Admittedly, the way he is with his nieces and nephews makes me want to move to Iowa and make babies. Or at least practice. Eh?
Also making a move to bum-effin'-nowhere Iowa more enticing? Soules' mom, Linda, and dad, Gary, who are so cute I just want to turn them into bobbleheads and stick 'em on my dashboard.
Soules admits to them that he is falling for both girls but in love with neither. Whoa, Nelly... isn't that what homeboy is giving Becca flak for?
Back in the city, Whitney is getting ready at the hotel for her family visit with Soules. In an undoubtedly tactical move, she's once again sporting flannel to fit in with the locals. Clever girl.
The flaw in her plan, though, surfaces when we see she's actually wearing a flannel shirt dress and tights. In the dead of winter. In snow. Then again, perhaps she was simply putting her lady parts on ice until she could use them again.
She makes it inside, though,
frozen vag and all and presents Soules' mom with a bouquet of her own mother's favorite flowers. OK, that was super sweet.
When she tells the "we made a baby" story, the family seems totally enamored with her, not at all creeped out by the thought... like me.
She really gets the family in the feels when she tells them how much she loves their son and brother and how much it means to her that they are welcoming her into their family.
Cue the waterworks. Or, in the immortal words of Scrooged, "Niagara Falls, Frankie Angel. Niagara Falls."
Of course, Whitney can't escape a visit to the family farm without being grilled by the sister tribunal. Naturally, they want to know why she feels so certain she can make the move to Arlington and adapt to their lifestyle. Doesn't one of these chicks live in, like, Ireland?
Whitney explains that, because she doesn't have parents, it's important to her to become part of a close-knit family. And, well, the sisters are smitten — they basically tell Soules no other woman could be better suited to become Mrs. Soules.
They feel like the fact that he can't verbalize what he likes about Becca is a red flag but, uh, do they know their brother? Eloquence is not his forte.
Mama Soules steals Whitney away next and it's sweet. I think she legitimately wants to mother hen this girl into her fold. I mean, she says they'd be "doggone" lucky to have her — we country folk don't throw the word "doggone" around lightly, y'all.
"Moving to Arlington will be an adjustment, but I also know I'm in love with Chris," Whitney later tells the camera, "so I think that just means I need to make a lot of babies." Because having kids is always a practical solution to problems like geographical discontentment.
Chilling in a toolshed later with his brothers-in-law, Soules tries to explain why he can't give up on Becca just yet. One of the dudes makes a brilliant point: Could part of the attraction be that Becca is hard to get? You know how the fellas like what they can't have. Which, in this case, includes a V-card.
The stakes are high, my friends.
When Becca arrives for her visit, she and Soules embrace, and she tells him how much she missed him. But, more importantly, she brought cookies. Whitney may have brought the tears, but Becca brought the baked goods. That's gotta count for something.
The family promises to be open-minded about Becca after falling in love with Whitney and they give her a nice smushy-face group hug when she walks through the door to prove it.
When Becca reveals she and the other girls roadtripped to Arlington when they were in Iowa, Papa Soules says, "That might have been the first road trip to Arlington ever." Awww, shoot... Gary's got jokes. I like.
Becca prattles off a few jokes at the tiny town's expense and the family seems to legitimately enjoy her humor. That or they are too polite not to laugh, which is also entirely possible.
firing squad sister tribunal sits Becca down after the family dinner to discuss her intentions for their bro. When she reiterates that she is falling in love with him, but she just can't commit to moving her entire life until she is head over heels — a totally rational response — her sisters seem less than thrilled. Becca's emotions should be a living shrine to Soules, like Whitney's.
I mean, this isn't exactly a face you want your future sister-in-law making about you.
Sweet Mama Soules has a much smoother heart-to-heart with Becca, though, during which she tells Becca that Chris is hers to lose and that some things in life are worth taking chances for. Um, someone hook this lady up with a hotline — she needs to be my life adviser, STAT.
After Becca leaves, that one incredibly perceptive brother-in-law steps up to defend Soules keeping Becca around and reminds everyone that choosing your wife isn't an analytical decision — it's a matter of love and chemistry. Preach, brotha!
Even more telling, ol' Gary chimes in, telling the camera, "I think Whitney's a sure thing, but I think Becca's who Chris loves." Whaaaa? Daddy Soules is droppin' some truth up in here.
Chris goes to the hotel to beg Becca to give him something to go on... anything. Still, Becca can't tell him what he needs to hear and I think it damn near breaks his farm-fresh heart.
He's all like, "So you're telling me, after mere weeks and a handful of dates — many of which you shared with a virtual harem, you can't be sure you want to marry me and move to a town where the highlight of your days will be going to the post office? Seriously?"
She does tell Soules she knows without a doubt she wants to be with him, but isn't sure if Iowa is for her, and it damn near breaks my heart when he tells her that no matter what happened, he would have her back and they'd figure it out together. Le sigh.
The next day, Whitney meets Soules back in Arlington. As she tries to traverse a field, this much is clear: Girlfriend needs to pick up a cute pair of boots posthaste. She's already invested in the flannel, why not go all in with the country-chic style?
He then tells her to climb on up into his tractor so they can harvest corn and, hot damn, he looks sexy in a John Deere. I don't blame Whitney for looking totally horny here.
Later, they head to Soules'
bachelor pad house, where they find a nice spot in front of the fire to talk about their journey thus far. Once again, she makes Soules cry by professing her love. That girl makes everyone cry — she's like the Barbara Walters of The Bachelor world.
That evening, Soules stops by her hotel room for some gratuitous loud kissing.
And the emotional last goodbye, which includes the obligatory teary-eyed forehead touch.
Jeweler Neil Lane comes to Soules in Iowa and wins my eternal devotion by bringing some big-ass, beautiful rings and deadpanning, "I never thought I would come to Iowa... for anything."
Soules is still struggling at this point over whether or not he should propose to anyone at all, since he is so torn. I'm sure that will be super fun for his new wife to hear later. In other news, I have the very same lamp that sits on the nightstand in Soules' hotel room. Huzzah!
Rings in hand, however, Soules pulls up to... a barn? As Soules waxes nostalgic about how it was the very spot he raised his first pig, I feel confident ABC must have blown the production budget airlifting that canopy bed into the Badlands for Soules' two-on-one with Kardashley and the Black Widow.
Inside, the barn is decked out in so many chandeliers and so much rustic memorabilia, it looks like the love child of a disco ball and an Applebee's. I'm sure thousands of future brides are pinning it as we speak.
Becca arrives first, which doesn't bode well for everyone's favorite virgin. Harrison chats with her for a moment before sending her into the fire hazard of a barn to get her heart broken.
She and Soules then proceed to have the universe's most civil breakup. Booooooorrring! We want drama, we want drama! Where are the tears? The theatrics? Oh, well, at least Becca kept it classy.
After he says goodbye and walks her out, though, Soules loses his composure a little and retreats behind the barn to shed a few solid man tears.
In the limo of despair, Becca still isn't crying. That feeling she's feeling? I think it's called relief.
Whitney, who is shaking like a leaf, shows up next. Still clueless as to whether he is choosing her or Becca, she's a little blond bundle of nerves until Soules tells her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. This is what her relief face looks like.
He proposes, she says yes, and then the two of them toss out so many "holy cows" that I feel fairly certain their firstborn child will bear a remarkable likeness to Bart Simpson.
Soules then seals the deal by handing Whitney the final rose and then they crawl up to the loft to sit on the perfectly staged throw blanket and survey the burnt orange sunset. All they needed to complete this perfect country picture was a bottle of Boone's Farm.
But that's not all, folks. Following the finale, Chris Harrison had the happy couple join him for an After the Final Rose special. Not before that ol' pot-stirrer brought Becca onstage, though. As she and Soules hugged, he lingered. He's a lingerer.
Just like their breakup, their interaction here is annoyingly polite. As always, though, Becca looks beautiful and I covet her big-ass lashes and perfectly nude lipstick. *Girl crush alert!*
After vowing he doesn't regret his decision (even though he can't give Harrison a straight answer when asked what would have happened if Becca had given him some kind of affirmation of her feelings), Soules welcomes Whitney to the stage with a whole body hug.
Whitney reveals that she didn't watch the show — aside from her and Soules' dates — and doesn't plan to. Harrison is surprised, but he quickly cuts to a commercial break, teasing once more that something "unprecedented" is going to happen. With nary a half hour left, I'm starting to wonder if that word means something different than he thinks it does.
Back from commercial, Harrison asks Whitney if she is moving to Arlington. She's all like, "Welllll, that's still the plan, but for right now..." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the phone. After all of that hullabaloo about Becca not moving to Iowa, homegirl isn't now? Mmm-hmm.
Still, they do show a precious unaired clip of Soules' parents greeting the couple after the proposal and I can't help but be happy for the whole mother-farmin' family.
Especially when Whitney says, "We're gonna make some babies... they're gonna be frickin' cute." And Soules responds, "F*** yeah!" Adorable. Even if these people did only date for about five seconds prior to getting engaged.
Then Harrison spots someone special in the audience. That's right — Ashley S. the onion picker has returned to give another cryptic response to the Bachelor in Paradise invitation. Damn it... now I have to watch that whole season, too. Damn you, ABC!
Jimmy Kimmel makes a surprise appearance next to congratulate the couple and give them, well, a cow. Named Juan Pablo. Hey, I'm just glad it wasn't the one Soules joked he was going to name Jade.
As the special dwindles to its end, Harrison decides to poll the audience about who they think should be the next Bachelorette. When basically 90 percent of the crowd cheers for Kaitlyn over Becca, Harrison insists the entire country is split down the middle over the decision.
So, you know, what the hell — let's just have 'em both on. Wait. Say what?
In what truly was the twist no one saw coming, Harrison brought out both Britt and Kaitlyn, crowning them the first-ever dual Bachelorettes. And, in true Kaitlyn fashion, the funny Canadian chick sums up my thoughts exactly when she says, "Well, that's not ideal."
Oh, yeah. These two are going to kill each other. The only thing that would have made this super-awkward moment more perfect would have been if Harrison capped the show with, "May the odds be ever in your favor."
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