The special starts with Soules and Harrison crashing a few Bachelor viewing parties where, let's be real, all the women watching are totally blitzed. But, as one astute partygoer points out, it's all Soules' fault since they take shots every time he kisses someone.
This season, that seems like a pretty safe bet for getting alcohol poisoning. They wrap up the viewing parties after some older chick plants a big wet one on Soules' lips, and we cut back to the stage where Harrison and all of the previous contestants await. Here are a few revelations the two-hour episode held.
Looks like Carly — who caught a ton of flak online about her eyebrows — found her way to a beauty salon for highlights, a blow out and, yep, maybe even some brow shaping. The Twitterverse is undoubtedly rejoicing in this little victory.
Because there wasn't enough of it the first go-round, Harrison revisits the drama of the season with a highlight reel. And aww, the black box on Jillian's ass makes a cameo. How we've missed that little guy! The show just hasn't been the same since he left.
In other news, Kelsey still looks cuckoo, Whitney compares Britt to Kelsey (ouch) and the playback on Carly's maniacal reveling over Britt's broken heart is painfully awkward.
So, naturally, Harrison builds on that weird tension to bring Britt up onstage. Britt, who is already bawling, wants to know why Carly pretended to be her friend. Yeah, Carly. What up with that?
Things get even more sinister when Britt reveals that when she was distraught over what to do and considering leaving, Carly told her, "I think if God tells you you should, you should."
Not surprisingly, Carly still looks bitter and jealous. She should talk to somebody about that — all of that grimacing is going to lead to lots o' wrinkles.
More pressingly, it could lead to Jillian breaking her in half. That's right... Jillian is fired up over Carly's treatment of Britt, who she describes as the most "pure-hearted" and "sweet" person on this season.
The black box on her ass undoubtedly agrees.
But for real, though, Harrison has to calm her down before she, like, bench-presses Carly right out of a window or something.
Harrison asks Jade her thoughts, and she says there were instances when Britt wasn't being honest. Which is interesting, since Jade hid her nude modeling career from Soules for two-thirds of the season.
Britt also calls out Kardashley for telling everyone Britt didn't want to have kids and get married. Important distinction: She told the girls she wasn't in a rush to get hitched and pop out babies. The nerve!
Perhaps sensing the audience turning on her, Carly tries to say she doesn't think Britt is a bad person and she doesn't wish her ill will. Unfortunately for Carly, it comes off as someone trying to dislodge their inordinately large foot from their mouth.
Says Britt, "You pretty much narrated my entire love story for the past three weeks, so can I just talk?" Zing! Britt definitely bagged that point.
It seems entirely likely at this point that Britt will be the next Bachelorette, as she spends just about as much time onstage as Harrison.
Someone who most certainly won't be handing out roses anytime soon is the next lady to land in the hot seat: Kelsey, aka the Black Widow.
She starts by delivering one of those backhanded apologies my grandma has perfected. You know, the kind that leaves you unsure of whether you were just insulted or apologized to.
She says she sees how she could possibly have been misinterpreted but, TBH, you'd still never catch me sleeping without one eye open around that chick.
Several of the ladies who have also experienced personal loss question Kelsey's motive for coming on the show, but she gives one of her "I will survive" spiels.
Kardashley does not look amused — particularly when Kelsey says it was despicable for Kardashley to imply either (a) Kelsey wasn't actually married or (b) if she was, she offed her husband.
Even though that's what we were all thinking. OK, fine. And saying. I said it.
Enough of that, though, because now it's time for the moment we've all really been waiting for — the return of Ashley S., the Onion Picker!
Per her norm, Ashley S. look surprised. By everything.
Harrison invites her onstage, saying she is one of his favorite contestants ever. She hands him an onion, explaining that she "was inspired by the show, so I started growing onions."
I shit you not.
She tries to clarify the whole Mesa Verde zombieland situation but, well, it makes about as much sense as her theory that the entire Bachelor production is a secret underground betting ring.
That wily host Harrison then hooks me for yet another season of this nonsensical drama by asking — nay, begging — Ashley S. to join them on Bachelor in Paradise. Sweet Jesus, let it be so.
Kaitlyn — looking as adorable as ever — takes the stage next, and she is visibly upset watching the playback reel of her time with Soules.
"I mean, who watches themselves get their heart broken?" Boo on heartbreak — Kaitlyn is so cool it kind of makes me wish that damn crowing rooster at the temple in Bali would have given Soules a little spur.
She reveals that not only would she have moved to Arlington, but she was ready to. This is one Canadian chick who sees herself living in the small-town life. Or, in the case of Arlington, microscopic.
She says her heart still hurts, which makes her seem like a pretty perfect choice for the next Bachelorette. I mean, what could soothe a broken heart better than making out with tons of hot dudes?
Harrison doesn't spill the beans about the next Bachelorette's identity, though, as he is too busy bringing Soules onstage to feed him to the sharks, er, let him speak with the women.
Britt (who, yes, is still bawling) sits with Soules first. When she gives him a big hug, Carly rolls her eyes in a major way. Although I'm starting to wonder if that's actually, like, a tic. Or some form of palsy.
Britt tells Soules she understands why he did what he did. Code? Carly.
Soules, proving he's more than just a pretty face, explains that he doesn't make huge relationship decisions based on idle gossip. It's a novel concept for many of these women.
He bids adieu to Britt, turning his attention to Kaitlyn.
When she asks for a solid explanation of why he blindsided her, he says it wasn't his intention, likening the whole situation to "throwing darts at a dartboard in the dark."
He's making so much sense right now that one can only assume he is getting laid on the regular.
When Kaitlyn presses him, he brings up another brilliant point. "This is my first time doing The Bachelor." Well, yeah. Give the guy a break — it's not like there's a handbook for breaking hearts.
Next, Harrison brings Jade up on the stage to discuss her journey. And, more specifically, the part of it that involved nonchalantly showing Soules a slideshow of her Playboy pics as though they were scrolling through a family photo album.
Jade calls him out on some less-than-flattering things he said in his People.com blog. "You also said that seeing the photos and the videos was awkward for you," she said, clearly agitated.
Well, I mean, yeah. Who wasn't that awkward for? I'm still suffering from secondhand embarrassment.
Still, she's sad and it sucks. She seems like a genuinely sweet girl. Perhaps she'll join Ashley S. on Bachelor in Paradise?
Fortunately, nothing cures a good case of unrequited love and mortifying live TV moments like a solid blooper reel including a dolphin laugh, gagging monkey, horny dog (not the one you might think) and Soules saying, "You just ran through my fart."
Soules' "crop-dusting" days aren't over just yet, though... The Bachelor: The Women Tell All special episode ends with a sneak peek of next week's season finale in Iowa. Will it be Whitney the fertility specialist or Becca the virgin?
Better get your bets into the secret Bachelor betting ring while you've still got time.
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