The episode starts with plenty of scenic shots of Bali, so we can all be sure this isn't secretly happening on some set in the Hollywood Hills. Then again, if they can make it look someone landed on the moon...
J/k, j/k. They're totally in Bali. "The most exotic place I've ever been," according to Soules, and I have no problem believing that.
Not many men could make that outfit look sexy, but somehow Soules does. That's right — I'm back on the Soules train. Also on board? Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca. The first one we get to see in Bali is Kaitlyn.
Or, rather, Kaitlyn's booty in some impressively short (and pink, no less!) cutoff shorts. They just make me want to watch the circa 1988 Tom Cruise classic Cocktail. But I digress. So their date starts in a holy temple, for which they have to put on some waist smocks and in which they can't make out.
Kaitlyn's all bummed out about the making-out part, but they both seem pretty jazzed about the smocks. They then take part in some local culture, and it's kinda sexy how seriously Soules takes it all.
Then the friendly farmer decides he wants to make besties of everyone in the village, so he takes Kaitlyn on a walking tour that includes chatting up storekeepers, random bicyclers, some dude chilling with a monkey statue and essentially any other life form along the way.
They marvel at how friendly the locals are, with Kaitlyn saying, "I know... I want to hug them all. Well, you do hug them all!" Ha ha! It's funny because it's so true. Soules decides to tempt fate next by trying to pet the feral monkeys roaming the streets. Dude. Seriously? Did you never see the movie Outbreak?
Not content to just be done with that just-barely-got-by-without-an-Outbreak moment, Soules is all like, "Hey, let's go into this place with the giant creepy monkey statue." I kid you not — there are entire horror movie subgenres devoted to films that begin and end with giant monkey statues. Where there are giant monkey statues, terror follows.
Inside what is apparently some sort of monkey sanctuary, some nice locals give them bunches of bananas to bribe the monkeys with. Just hold them over your heads, they say. They'll come sit on your shoulder, they say.
Before Soules and Kaitlyn can blink, a massive monkey scales Soules' back in search of bananas. Kaitlyn's face says, "This whole situation is bananas." Or, if you prefer a little Gwen Stefani flair, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
As Soules continues becoming infected with a deadly plague, er, I mean playing with the monkeys, Kaitlyn looks on in abject fear. And, really, who can blame her? Check out that gnarly looking beast on top of the banana shed.
She does give the monkeys some credit, though. "I definitely wish I could be more like a monkey and just go after what I want and not be afraid of anything that might stand in the way." Best quote of the night.
I'm, uh, just gonna leave that picture right there for a while. During all of this monkeying around, Soules gets peed on. His response of "it's just a little pee pee" confirms my suspicions he'll be a great dad one day — he's already got the dad-speak down.
Everything feels natural in this moment. Soules is sweating profusely, 'cause that what Soules does. The monkey is sitting on his head eating a banana, 'cause apparently that's what Bali monkeys do. Tourists are looking on, 'cause that's what tourists do. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn's wondering what nightmare this date dropped out of.
She does eventually conquer her fear of the monkeys, though. Sort of.
They have a little chat in the courtyard, presumably after bathing in hand sanitizer, during which Kaitlyn opens up even more and tries to let her guard down. She tells Soules she is completely falling in love with him and she hasn't felt this way in forever. She's vulnerable, which is hard for her. Awww.
Then they make out some more, and all I can think is too much kissing noises.
Kaitlyn feels confident heading into the night, saying, "I'm willing to go there with Chris tonight." Only she's not being dirty, she's being vulnerable. I think.
After talking about their feelings and torturing me with kissing noises some more, Soules pulls out the ol' Fantasy Suite date card. Kaitlyn's all, "Hey, farm boy, is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just excited about tonight?"
And Soules is all, "Har, har, well, you know... no, really, it's a banana. It's left over from feeding the monkeys. Honest to God!"
Still, they both agree they deserve to
bone spend quality time together, so Kaitlyn accepts his invitation to the Fantasy Suite. In case there was any confusion about what was expected to go down that night, Soules first shows her the bed.
Followed by this outdoor tub filled with rose petals, which coincidentally also looks uncannily like teeny tiny discarded chunks of human flesh. So, um, romantic.
Kaitlyn still doesn't feel like she has adequately expressed to Soules how much she cares, so after checking out the meat bath she pours her heart out some more. Hopefully not in the same way some poor tourist did to fill that tub. Kidding! I'm sure it's flowers. Right?
After a little kissy face, the couple decides to kick the cameras out, close the curtains and open up some more. Sorry, that one was too easy.
Next up is Whitney, who arrives for her date looking all cute and sporty in her pink tank top and jean cutoffs.
They meet in the harbor, with Whitney running and jumping into Soules' arms — it's her thing, y'all.
They both gush about missing each other, but she Soules also admits in an aside that he has some serious questions about whether Whitney could really leave her great career to move to Arlington, Iowa, population 25. But there's nothing like a little sexual innuendo to break the ice — as Soules pops the cork on a champagne bottle, Whitney exclaims, "Whoo, that was a good one!" Mmmhmm.
The date almost gets off to a very rocky start when the captain hits the dock on the way out of the harbor, but his confident thumbs-up leads us to believe (1) it's no biggie and (2) Bali might really be Soules' home away from home. People are big on the thumbs-up here.
As the date really gets under way, this much is clear: Kaitlyn got the short end of the stick with that sad-sack romp through the monkey den.
Whitney's really into it, too. You can tell by this move, which I'm 97 percent sure she learned from Sandra Bullock in Two Weeks Notice.
See for yourself:
Still, despite all that twisty pretzel action, Whitney can't help but feel upset still about the fact that her sister back in Chicago wouldn't give Soules the 100 percent approval to propose. If nothing else, her sister could have given her a hair tie to take to Bali.
Soules comes through, though, reassuring her that he respects her sister's decision and it doesn't change the way he feels. Whew. Now they can get back to popping bottles.
Soules asks if she wants to jump in the ocean, and she's game. She doesn't even flinch that much when he jokes about sharks. That's love, people. That's love.
By the end of the date, Whitney asserts, "I feel very confident that I'm going to marry Chris."
Then again, she doesn't realize Soules has quite so many concerns about her real feelings about Arlington.
He starts with a softball, saying he's super-thankful for their future... and that they didn't get eaten by sharks today. Amen to that!
This is the face of a woman realizing she could have been eaten by sharks. The teleprompter of her brain right now would read, "Ha ha ha, oh shit." Then Soules starts to question her about living in Arlington. "It's really small. Like 500 people..."
"If I ever want to do anything, I have to go somewhere else. Any big city is hours and hours away..."
"I mean, a lot of the time I just end up hanging out at home. By myself..."
Yeah, homegirl needed a drink after all that. But then she's like, "Don't worry — my career was just my fallback in case I couldn't get married and have kids. If I move to Arlington with you, I'll just leave all that and make babies. Yeeeeeehaw!" Well, you know. Basically.
This seems to placate Soules, who remembers he has a Fantasy Suite date card yet to dole out. I mean, you can't go poppin' out babies without a little practice, eh?
After taking the card and faux-thinking really hard about the decision for 14 seconds, she yells, "Check, please!" And that's a direct quote.
Following a quick tour of the place filled with ample "Get out!" and "Shut up!" exclamations by Whitney, the couple doesn't waste any time closing the curtains. Bow-chika-bow-wow.
Last, but certainly not least, is Becca, who — let's be real — we've all been waiting for, because she's yet to reveal to Soules she is a virgin. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is she wearing pleather Soffes? Hook a sistah up! I mean, for real.
As she comes around the corner and Soules sees her, it's clear he is crazy about her. It's cute.
As they stroll around exploring, they chat about the local farming methods, which Soules is really into. Admittedly, it's adorable. Then they make out in a field as the locals toil nearby. Touching.
They do seem to have a good, genuine rapport with people, though. A few locals even scurry up a tree to grab them a couple of what I'm assumed are coconuts to drink out of.
They pose for pictures with some local kids, and that's cute too. I think the general motif of these two is cute. I mean, right? They're just so... cute. OK, I'm done.
Their date then takes them to a temple, where they meet the town medium and his translator.
Naturally, they start firing off questions for this human Magic 8 Ball. Are we meant to be together? "He says you are a very good couple." Will he be a good dad? "He thinks you will be both be good parents." Any advice for the big date?
Soules, who may or may not have slipped them some extra incentive before that answer, seems super-stoked. Becca, on the other hand, finds the entire situation comically ironic.
"I'm glad he brought that up, I was just not thinking about it," she jokes. And after wrapping up their date with some steamy making out in a river, I'm fairly certain their impending Fantasy Suite date is all anyone is thinking about.
At the dinner date, Soules still has concerns about her level of commitment, but Becca opens up and says she does think she is falling for him and she's never felt this way before. He's all, "Aww, shucks."
Things are going really well, even after Soules grills her about moving to Arlington and she reveals, "I'd have to be really, really sure about you and us." A totally rational answer, and you know how nobody's a big fan of those on The Bachelor.
Soules feels good enough about their conversation to whip out the Fantasy Suite date card, less-than-casually presenting it to Becca all wink, wink, nudge, nudge, boner. Boy, is his in for a big surprise.
Becca accepts, saying she feels it is important for them to spend this extra one-on-one time together and be alone some. Inside, after checking out the suite — and perhaps a glimpse of Soules', um, inseam — Becca decides to drop the V-bomb on him.
It took a little time for Soules to process it out.
And a little more...
And even more still...
Ultimately, he gave the perfect response in that even though it surprised him, he respects it. And that it says a lot about who she is as a person. I heart him in this moment.
Becca then admits that even though she has always said she is waiting for marriage, she's been waiting a long time to feel this way and the temptation is real. Hmm, is our little virgin considering abandoning her vow of chastity to shack up in the Fantasy Suite?
No sooner have the curtains closed on their date than the next morning arrives, full of doubts for Soules. After a morning talk with Becca about where they stand, he's more confused than ever. Naturally, he needs a bro pow-wow with host Chris Harrison.
Soules is worried because he feels no clarity — he could see himself spending his life with all three women. And since this isn't Sister Wives, he's gonna have to lose at least one today.
At the rose ceremony, Soules greets the women, clearly distraught. He does some deep-breathing, undoubtedly something he picked up from the
sex love guru from his date with Carly.
Before handing out any roses, though, he asks Becca if he can speak to her. They leave the courtyard and head over to some steps to sit on and... well, no one knows why he pulled her aside yet. Could this be The Bachelor's first virgin sacrifice? Literally?
Basically, he needed some reassurance from Becca that she was, in fact, in love with him and wanted to be with him. Typical man. Becca did her best, telling him she really was falling for him and would do whatever it took to get to where they needed to be. He admits he put her in a tough position (albeit not the one he had probably hoped, I imagine).
When they come back to the courtyard together, the other girls — who were glib merely minutes ago — are shocked to see he didn't give Becca the boot. Or, in Kaitlyn's words, "Oh shoot!" You know what they say, girls: don't count your virgins before they, uh... just don't count 'em out.
So, now the time for roses has finally come. It all comes down to this! Who will get to meet Soules' family in Arlington? Well, first up is Whitney, which comes as a surprise to pretty much no one. She's like the first rose queen of this season.
And then, well, then the hard part — Soules calls out Becca's name. My spirit animal Kaitlyn looks anywhere but at Soules, trying her best not to cry. It's sad, y'all.
But yay for Becca! Besides, this frees up Kaitlyn to be the next Bachelorette, and that would be enough to make me tune in. Can you imagine what kind of dates she'd come up with?
Soules walks Kaitlyn out, stopping to tell her he was sorry, and that he wasn't sure he was making the right decision, and he'd always care about her. In the middle of their heart-to-heart, a rooster crows obnoxiously.
If there are two things a girl doesn't want to hear while being broken up with, it's that the dude doesn't even know if he's making the right decision... and a rooster. Those both suck. Soules then loads Kaitlyn up in the
limo minivan of despair for the lonely ride back to the hotel.
After fumbling with the seat belt — safety first! — Kaitlyn confesses this is the most humiliating moment of her life. But, hey, in all honesty, she handled that ride like a champ. I've still got love for you, Canada.
Next week, the women of this season duke it out on The Bachelor: Women Tell All special, and I for one can't wait to see that much crazy back in one room. Ahh, good times ahead, my friends.
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