For starters, we pick up where we left off — with Kelsey writhing on the floor in pain.
Oh, wait, no. When the paramedic asks her to describe her pain level, Kelsey says she feels no pain whatsoever. She must just be throwing in the tortured screams for good measure. That, or I'm a telepathic ventriloquist and the screams you hear coming from Kelsey actually belong to me.
I think Kaitlyn said it best. "Bitches be crazy."
In a clip that I'm 97 percent sure will be part of Kelsey's opening reel on Snapped, the "guidance counselor" pauses her hysterics long enough to ask to talk to Soules and giggle to the paramedic, "I'm going to get a rose tonight, for sure."
For the purposes of this article, she shall henceforth be known as the Black Widow.
As any girl who just purportedly had a major medical episode might do, the Black Widow then proceeds to walk back to the other girls with nary a hair out of place and announce that she just fainted. Weird, I don't remember her passing out, but I think my brain stalled out for a minute when she joked of her boobs, "These puppies don't come out every day."
For heaven's sake, chicklette, tuck your tit-tays away and pull yourself together.
Soules comes in and explains that he is ready to have a rose ceremony because he knows that he can't give 110 percent to all of the girls. Well, technically, you can't give 110 percent to any of the girls. It's just not possible. But numbers are hard for many, so let's move on.
Kardashley starts to cry, 'cause clearly that always works out so well for her. "Because I don't have a sad story, it's not going to end well for me." Oh, sweetie, I promise... this is a sad story.
The brunette who up until last week I believed was a mannequin the producers just kept moving around is super-nervous, and rightfully so, since oh my word, y'all, her name is Samantha. Who the eff is Nikki then? Was that a different chick? Dear God, what's going on here?
Meanwhile, Mackenzie laments that if she got rejected, she isn't sure she'd ever get over it. Uh, you're 21. Give it time.
So Soules says goodbye to Mackenzie the Child Bride, and
Nikki Sam, saying to the latter, "This is such a hard decision. I have no idea..." Who you are. He has no idea who you are.
This means the Black Widow gets to stick around, making everyone wonder if Soules is a few cattle short of a herd, as it were. Kaitlyn, who assumed the role of my spirit animal after Drunk Tara was eliminated, eloquently sums it up. "I want to punch her right in the teeth holder."
Soules then jets the girls off to the most romantic destination in the world: Deadwood, South Dakota. I mean, who doesn't find the dim lighting of a musty saloon to be a total aphrodisiac?
In what may be a premonition, Soules opines, "This is the perfect place to fall in love... or get shot in the back."
On the balcony of their hotel room, Britt picks the Black Widow's brain about getting to this point. "I've tied up all the loose ends," she says, adding, "I've worked so hard to get here." Both things she said while
dragging her husband's lifeless body to a remote spot applying for the show.
"I need some romance," she cackles. "Romance" here is clearly code for "heavy sedatives."
Thank goodness the date card comes, because surely that will make things less awkward, right? Britt opens it to reveal that Becca the Second House Virgin has snagged the one-on-one.
"I'm so excited it's finally happening," she squeals, and I sincerely hope that's the only time she says those words tonight — no girl should have to be deflowered in South Dakota with the gentle hum of Kardashley's ginormous eyelashes thwapping in the background.
But while Becca feels super-pumped, I feel death is imminent. The Black Widow is not happy. Do they offer security detail on one-on-ones?
Arriving on the scene of their very rustic date, Soules admits, "I've been waiting a long time for this." That's what she said. Ba-dum-tsh.
As they round the corner, he reveals they will be going horseback riding and introduces Becca to two horses and a burro. He helps her onto her horse, instructing, "You put one foot in, you put one foot out," and for a few shiny seconds I have high hopes they are about to do the Hokey Pokey.
Alas, there are no cliché wedding dances in store for this date, although Soules does toss out a few garden variety clichés — calling Becca "smoking hot" and dubbing her "Annie Oakley."
Back at the hotel, Carly, Kaitlyn and Whitney have had enough of the Black Widow's scheming. Carly pushes the other girls to confront Kelsey, telling the camera she doesn't understand why people don't stand up to Kelsey. "What are they afraid of?"
Murder, Carly. They're afraid of murder.
Whitney, who is so polite and beautiful I'm convinced she is a cyberbot sent from the future to be the occasional voice of reason this season, smartly says, "My biggest concern is that it will be very easy for her to play the victim in this."
Opting not to heed Whitney the fembot's words of warning, Carly tells the Black Widow that she comes off as fake and that the person they see is different from the person Soules sees. Naturally, Kelsey apologizes... then proceeds to trash them behind their backs.
"I get it. I'm blessed with eloquence, because I'm smart. And I use big words."
Five seconds later, she shows off her extensive vocabulary by getting bleeped for saying "shit." That's s-h-i-t for all of us mere mortals who need a breakdown of such a complex and intimidatingly long term.
She also tells the girls she has never had a panic attack in her entire life. So she didn't have a panic attack when she found out her husband inexplicably died walking to work, but she had one because of a rose ceremony on The Bachelor. Glad to see she's got her priorities straight.
On the one-one-one, Soules and Becca are huddled around a fire pit by a chuck wagon, grilling skewered veggies and giggling like schoolgirls. Heads up, Soules — Becca is definitely laughing at you, not with you.
Still, their date ends on a high note when Soules gives Becca a rose, and they start making out. Get it, girl!
At the hotel, another date card comes, revealing Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly and Megan will be going on the group date.
Megan — who I'm more than marginally convinced thinks South Dakota is in another country, too — is having a real hard time deducing from the list of names called which date she'll be on. Had Soules told her and not Becca that his five-year plan started 10 years so, she legit would have asked if she could see his time machine.
By proxy, that leaves Kardashley and the Black Widow for the two-on-one. Good God.
For the group date, the girls head to a saloon, where Soules tells them they'll be writing songs and singing them to him. Because abject mortification always leads to true love.
On the plus side, country superduo Big & Rich will be mentoring the girls, so yeeeehawwww!
Britt, being the
aspiring actress extrovert she is, seems over the moon to be working with the singers. I haven't seen so much giggling and excited jumping up and down since yesterday, when my 3-year-old watched Dora the Explorer rescue Boots the talking monkey from a river.
Jade tells the guys she is "on the struggle bus," as most people who use expressions like "struggle bus" are.
To help her loosen up, Big takes her running through the streets of Deadwood, shouting proclamations like, "Feel the freedom!" and "I've got something to say!" It's like Braveheart, but deep-fried.
She starts to feel confident in her songwriting skills, but then Soules and Britt start sucking face 10 feet from her table and it stunts her creativity.
When it comes time to show off their original songs, Soules takes the stage to "show these girls how it's not done." And he then proceeds to make good on that promise — I think I could hear the cattle stampeding all the way from Iowa.
As for the girls, Britt's song was so-so, yet it had Soules borderline bawling. "Everything she said was how she makes me feel," he says. I'm not sure what that says about their connection, considering she used roughly four words in her lyrics.
Megan proved OK; Kaitlyn cursed like a sailor, rapped and generally stole my heart; and Carly the Cruise Ship Singer knocked it out of the park with a song that wooed Soules and made Kaitlyn confess, "I almost fell in love for them."
Jade is so anxious before her performance that I'm afraid she might one-up the Black Widow by actually fainting, but she powers through it with a song that — albeit sung in a key I didn't know human ears could hear — was impressive lyrically. The ace up her sleeve was a poker metaphor.
Soules pulls her aside to thank her for her courage, and she spills that she is falling for him and could see herself moving to Iowa. This catches him off guard, since, "I want to move to Iowa," sayeth no woman ever.
Before long, Soules steals more time to make out with Britt in front of the other girls. "We have some weird connection I don't understand," he says. At the risk of ruining the surprise... it's your wiener, Chris.
All of a sudden, he takes Britt by the arm and they go running down the streets of Deadwood and straight into a Big & Rich concert. Because he hasn't hit his cliché quota for the night yet, Soules then makes out with Britt in the middle of the crowd before joining Big & Rich onstage to give Britt a rose.
They then all sing a rousing rendition of "Save a horse, ride a farm boy."
Meanwhile, the other girls are still sitting around wondering what in the hell is going on — for an effin' hour. I sure hope the horndog's table manners are better than his group-date etiquette.
When they return arm in arm, rose in hand, the other girls "can't help but feel humiliated" says Kaitlyn. One by one, they all dissolve into tears. Surely Soules' mama raised him better than this, no?
Back at the hotel, Becca reads the two-on-one date note. "Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes. Let's have good times in the badlands." If you look up recipe for disaster in the dictionary, this note is pictured there.
For once, Kardashley said exactly what we were all thinking. "Literally, with this, I can't even."
Watching the two of them square off will undoubtedly be epically bad in a good way, like Dinocroc vs. Supergator.
During her alone time with Soules, Kardashley carpes the diem to fill Soules in on just how fake Kelsey really is. Apparently, they don't have trash-talking where Soules is from — it's hard to gossip when the population of the town is 11 and they're all related to you — so the unwitting farmer repeats everything Kardashley said to Kelsey.
Here's an idiom you're probably familiar with, Soules: pot-stirrer.
Kelsey, aka the Black Widow, puts her sociopath skills to good use, manipulating Soules into believing she's hurt because she thought Kardashley was her friend and that the real issue here is a difference in maturity. Yeah, that's the real issue here.
She then returns to this mysterious canopy bed placed strategically in the middle of the desert (how much did it cost to airlift that thing in there?) and bores into Kardashley's soul with enough intensity to melt Kardashley's falsie glue. Then, this:
Cue the Kardashley meltdown to end all meltdowns. "Why did you tell her what I said? How could you possibly listen to her?" she moans to Soules. She's blinking in such rapid succession now that I'm afraid she may have Venus-fly-trapped a small desert-dwelling creature — like a coyote — with her ginormous eyelashes.
completely loses her shit cries her eyes out, Soules decides this would be the ideal time to let her down easy.
"Knowing the lifestyle I live and knowing the world I live in, I don't know that you'd be happy. I don't know that I can give you the lifestyle you want." Read: They don't sell falsies and bejeweled headbands by the barrel where I come from, and there are no Kardashians. The horror!
To which she responds, "You think Britt wants that life?" Touché, Kardashley. Well-played, sistah.
Back in the hotel, the official suitcase-grabber walks into the room where the other girls are, to wheel Kardashley's suitcase away. They all reel in shock, while I'm still wondering how one goes about getting the job of official suitcase-grabber. I'd like to fill out an application, por favor.
In the badlands, the Black Widow sees Kardashley round the corner crying hysterically, and she can't resist a signature smirk. Soules soon sits beside her, and they begin to talk over the soothing sounds of Kardashley babbling hysterically on a nearby cliff. Parting is such sweet sorrow and all that jazz.
Then, in the moment that will live in infamy, Soules hands a smug Kelsey the proverbial pink slip, too. In the imaginary awards show for this season, this episode wins the trophy for Most Improved Player.
Soules then helicopters off, leaving both girls in the badlands to fend off the vicious predators. And aside from each other, wolves and stuff, too.
As the Black Widow takes her final moments to muse about her "amazing story" and declare she will rise from the ashes, back at the hotel the girls throw a party in her honor.
I mean, just look at Kaitlyn's face. She's clearly heartbroken, y'all.
In happier news, the teaser for next week reveals we get two nights of The Bachelor as opposed to one, that we'll see Britt like we've never seen her before (showered, perhaps?), that Jade posed for nude pics in Playboy (don't feel bad... I Googled it, too) and that the girls head to their future homestead of Arlington, Iowa.
Shit's about to get real, y'all.
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