SECTIONS
What would you like to know?
Share this Story
/

The Bachelor: Every (inappropriate) thought I had during Week 3

Julie Sprankles is a freelance writer living in the storied city of Charleston, SC. When she isn't slinging sass for SheKnows, she enjoys watching campy SyFy creature features (Pirahnaconda, anyone?), trolling the internet for dance work...

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Last week, we lost Drunk Tara and — even though I'm still a little heartbroken over it — Chris Soules doesn't seem to be losing any sleep. This episode starts with the camera catching Soules sawing logs.

And, no, that isn't a euphemism or farm speak. Instead of giving him love ferns and free hugs, maybe someone should gift him a few Breathe Right strips.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

All images courtesy of ABC

Then, a car pulls up and out steps — wait for it — Jimmy Kimmel. Yessss. Dear reality TV gods, please let Kimmel and Ashley S. the Onion Picker dominate this episode.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Kimmel wakes Soules up who, in his best Matthew McConaughey, mumbles, "What the shit?" In turn, Kimmel asks the one thing we're all thinking: "Are you naked?"

Alas, Soules' answer is no.

Back in the main house, Harrison informs the ladies that there will be another man in their life that week. They guess a pig. And a dog. Aaaand I'm legitimately concerned for the fate of our nation.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Unfortunately for the animal lovers in the group, the surprise guest is just Kimmel, who jokes, "Hello, sister wives." Everyone laughs uncomfortably because we all know this show is just a Bill Paxton away from being Big Love.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Cheerleader Nikki admits she wasn't expecting Kimmel and, since we're being honest, I wasn't expecting Nikki to not expect anything. Mainly because I didn't know she existed.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

In what is undoubtedly the best thing ever to happen on The Bachelor (or ever), Kimmel informs the ladies that every time someone says 'amazing,' they must put a dollar in the 'amazing jar.' In related world news, ABC is now responsible for lowering the country's deficit by a trillion dollars.

Alternately, it would also have been fun if he made the girls take a shot every time someone said 'amazing' instead. Then I might feel less sad about losing Drunk Tara and Drunk Jordan. Drunk Jade or Drunk Whitney, anyone?

As Kimmel exits, he leaves behind a date invitation to join an "exclusive club" to Caitlyn.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

In the car with Soules on the way to the date, Caitlyn the aspiring comedian dance instructor's lady boner for Kimmel is on full display — "Are we doing something with Jimmy?"

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

In a surprising twist, they pull up to Costco and Caitlyn "I'm a totally real girl!" looks as though she might die. "Are we really getting out here?" she asks.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

No, don't worry, hon. The car just stopped so the driver could hop out and grab a 720-pack of condoms for Soules. Haha, J/K... I hope.

Of course, for a girl who thought she was going on an extravagant date, she sure was dressed like Winona Ryder circa Reality Bites. Or Miley Cyrus, circa now.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Kimmel's note explaining the date points out that this is the kind of stuff real couples do together and, while I want to argue the point, trolling Costco for super deals is like foreplay for me and the hubs. Besides, have you ever had their pizza? It's affordable and delicious. Look into, homes. You can thank me later.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Kimmel gives Caitlyn and Soules a shopping list which includes nonsensical things like enough ketchup to fill a hot tub, which reminds me of that sweet scene in Patch Adams where Robin Williams fills a swimming pool with noodles for some sweet old sick lady as Philip Seymour Hoffman looks on.

*Tear*

Caitlyn and Soules then crawl inside of a giant bubble ball. Some little kids come up and start pushing them, so naturally Soules thinks it's a good time to make his move. Ahh, nothing says romance like fondling each other in a giant blue inflated ovary.

P.S.: I know what the hubs and I will be picking up on our next Costco run/date night.

They then load up the car with obscene amounts of ketchup and drive off like the Clampetts with the trunk open and stuffed full of junk. I can't help but think that can't be legal, much like I think every time Soules flirts with Mackenzie the Child Bride.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Back at Soules' place for their official date dinner, Caitlyn remarks that it all felt so normal, what with him seasoning up the steaks and her pouring the bourbon. Apparently, Caitlyn lives in an episode of Mad Men.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Meanwhile, Soules seizes the moment to remind Caitlyn that life on the farm in Iowa is even less glamorous than a Costco run, and she swears that's what she actually likes about him. Then she proceeds to get hammered, 'cause how else is she going to continue to lie convincingly all night long?

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

I'd love to tell you what else the two discussed on their date, but apparently bourbon + farmer = Boomhauer.

If these two go on any more one-on-one dates, we're going to have to insist that ABC provide subtitles.

Thankfully, the incoherent conversation is punctuated by making out, so there's that. They've got some weird fish-kissing-vibe going on that seems decidedly unsexy to me. But what do I know? I think shopping at Costco is hot.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Kimmel finally shows up, not a moment too soon — listening to Soules giggle "like a woodpecker on wine coolers," as Jennifer Weiner so aptly described, and to Caitlyn wonder aloud when Kimmel might arrive was torture. 'Twas the TV equivalent of waterboarding.

Kaitlyn admits to Kimmel she has dated farmers before. Ones that, in her words, "were legit." Soules giggles off the dig, which I suspect is because soybeans aren't what he's really harvesting out there in Iowa. Wink wink, toke toke.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Turning up the heat, Kimmel asks Caitlyn how she'd feel if she and Soules ended up together but she later found out he boned a bunch of chicks in the fantasy suite. She says she'd be totally cool with it, which is a total lie Kimmel and Soules are into.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Chris: "I was actually working on the pot stickers." Caitlyn: "That's what I call it, too, huh huh huh... working on the pot stickers." Kimmel: "Let's have a threesome, guys."

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Boy, if I had a penny for every conversation that started that way....

Back at the main house, nearly all of the other ladies get an invitation to go on a group date. The invitation asks if they are ready to meet some real 'party animals' and here, in the moment pig and dog would be logical responses, the girls all seemed puzzled.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Sweet. Jesus.

Back on the third wheel date, Soules calls Kimmel a dick, and it's the most I've liked him in an episode and a half.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Caitlyn and Soules then start Eskimo kissing, and I'm back to feeling like I want to wretch.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

They get into the hot tub — which, in fact, was not filled with ketchup — where they talk about life and love and politics and the state of our country. Oh, wait, no. No, they just made out while Kimmel ate chicken wings and watched.

The cameras cut to footage of Jillian working out and the other girls admitting how intimidating she is. Because modesty is clearly her strong suit, Jillian points out, "I would be scared of me." If I were the other contestants, I'd be afraid she would grind me up into powder form and imbibe me in a protein shake.

Once again, her ass' black box makes an appearance, henceforth securing her fate as Black Box Jillian.

On the group date, the girls are taken to a petting zoo for a hoedown throwdown which, let's face it, could mean something entirely different on this show.

When Kimmel explains that the girls are going to have to gather chicken eggs, milk goats and wrestle a greased pig, I have flashbacks of Ashley S. the Onion Picker double-tapping the faux-zombies on last week's paintball date.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Should she really be allowed around cute barnyard creatures? I would not put it past her to pull a Lord of the Flies and start wandering around with a pig's head on a stick.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

When it comes time to drink the fresh goat's milk, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer chugs it despite being lactose intolerant, which could lead to a very interesting night in the worst kind of way.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Elsewhere, Mackenzie the Child Bride jokes that the cows are mooing at Jillian's ass; Kelsey gags trying to drink the goat's milk; and Amber wins the most unfortunate line of the night when she describes the goat's milk as being "warm and salty... not something I like in my mouth."

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

Moving on.

Black Box Jillian leaps over the fence into the pig enclosure in a blur of ass cheek and "Stay Classy" tank top, but the pigs flee right into Carly the Cruise Ship Singer's arms.

Dear Jimmy Kimmel, please cameo on The Bachelor every week (threesomes optional)

She does a little victory dance and asks, "How's my butt now, Jillian?" Wait, I clearly missed a pivotal plot point somewhere.

Comments
Hot
New in Entertainment
Close

And you'll see personalized content just for you whenever you click the My Feed .

SheKnows is making some changes!