Like, what? They expect you to celebrate the day they were born? Psssht.
You say "FML" so much in your daily life, you're considering having it hand-embroidered on all of the throw pillows in your home.
You know those girls who are bubbly and excitable and squeal over everything? Yeah, we don't either.
Dashing through the snow? Singing Christmas carols? No. Just no.
Unless we're talking about feeling annoyed. Then you're an ever-lovin' Jedi master of emotion.
The castles aren't bad, though. You could work with a castle.
There would be no mornings for you without coffee, which you take black — like your soul. Who in the eff invented mornings anyway? You'd dig that person... a grave.
When dealing with Stage 5 "clingers," the only rational thing to do is throw shade and/or pretend they simply aren't there until it gets so awkward one or both of you flee. It's like psychological "chicken."
For you, less isn't more. More is less. As in, the more someone blabs on, the less you care about the content of their blabber. It's, like, science or something.
You're like the Chuck Norris of the anti-smile. You don't frown — your face pushes the world down.
Some people are just clutter. In the immortal words of John Wayne — whom you're 97 percent certain is Grumpy Cat's spirit animal — "Life is hard... it's harder when you're stupid."
The holidays are a nightmare for you, thanks to the overzealous perfume spritzers at department stores. Everyone smells like cinnamon and quiet despair and it makes you feel like your nostrils are going to bleed.
You hate when people tell you to smile for the camera. This is your smile, sheesh.
If zombies eat brains, you know exactly which idiots you're going to use as human camouflage when a zombie apocalypse breaks out.
Facebook is a place for Grumpy Cat memes, not mindless drama or whining about being stuck in traffic. Get your life together, people.
Camping? You're joking, right?
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