In this still from 1982, Madonna and her nips were just starting out. Look how wholesome and, um, diminutive, Madonna's girls are. We imagine this as a happy time for Madonna's nipples. They would probably tell us that they reflect on this era with great fondness, before they were introduced to the world — over and over and over again.
This was a big night in 1987 for Madonna's nipples, but a medium time for Madame M's cup size. Madge was channeling Marilyn Monroe and winning American Music Awards. If the Material Girl's nips could talk, they'd tell us that it was a night to remember because they were not yet what you'd call a "big deal."
If you think Madonna looks confused in this picture, think about what her nipples must have thought about all those cone bras in the '90s. Nipples have several uses, but being shoved into a cylinder isn't one of them. We think M's nips would tell us that they were longing for their days of anonymity right about now.
We're certain Madonna's nips would tell us they were freezing in this goth-boob getup. To keep the girls in the cage with a dress like this, double-stick tape is a must — we assume the nips would tell us they were more than a little cranky about having adhesive ripped off of them later that night.
Hello! Is it just us, or are these fun bags, pictured in 2004, supersized? These are not Madge's boobs from the '80s and '90s and, if they are, then she is the only woman in history whose breasts have gotten larger, firmer and perkier as she got older and after giving birth. Yeah, that doesn't happen. At least, that's what her nipples would say.
Oh là, là. This is Madonna in 2004 during her Re-Invention tour. Reinvention indeed. If we asked her nips what was happening in this picture, they would say that they hated this dress because they couldn't breathe and they nearly suffocated.
Madonna's nips are over it. Now, they are on display constantly, including at the gym. We can imagine that they were humiliated, flopping around hither and yon, hanging on for dear life and doing their best to not pop out.
As you can see, Madonna's nipples have had a lot of ups and downs. At 56 years old, they'd be weary and ready for retirement. We're certain that instead of being put on display for the world to see, they'd rather be comfortably settled behind a bathing suit, being served drinks while warming themselves by the ocean.
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