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If Madonna's 56-year-old nipples could talk, here's what they'd say

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Madonna's at it again. Her 56-year-old nipples are on display in Interview magazine and they can't be happy about it. Here is what Madge's nips would say, if they could talk.

The early years...

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit WENN

In this still from 1982, Madonna and her nips were just starting out. Look how wholesome and, um, diminutive, Madonna's girls are. We imagine this as a happy time for Madonna's nipples. They would probably tell us that they reflect on this era with great fondness, before they were introduced to the world — over and over and over again.

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A medium-sized Marilyn

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit: Chris Conner, WENN

This was a big night in 1987 for Madonna's nipples, but a medium time for Madame M's cup size. Madge was channeling Marilyn Monroe and winning American Music Awards. If the Material Girl's nips could talk, they'd tell us that it was a night to remember because they were not yet what you'd call a "big deal."

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Cone boobs

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit: WENN

If you think Madonna looks confused in this picture, think about what her nipples must have thought about all those cone bras in the '90s. Nipples have several uses, but being shoved into a cylinder isn't one of them. We think M's nips would tell us that they were longing for their days of anonymity right about now.

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Goth boobs

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit: WENN

We're certain Madonna's nips would tell us they were freezing in this goth-boob getup. To keep the girls in the cage with a dress like this, double-stick tape is a must — we assume the nips would tell us they were more than a little cranky about having adhesive ripped off of them later that night.

Large and in charge

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit: WENN

Hello! Is it just us, or are these fun bags, pictured in 2004, supersized? These are not Madge's boobs from the '80s and '90s and, if they are, then she is the only woman in history whose breasts have gotten larger, firmer and perkier as she got older and after giving birth. Yeah, that doesn't happen. At least, that's what her nipples would say.

Reinvention, indeed

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit: WENN

Oh là, là. This is Madonna in 2004 during her Re-Invention tour. Reinvention indeed. If we asked her nips what was happening in this picture, they would say that they hated this dress because they couldn't breathe and they nearly suffocated.

Gym boobs

What Madonna's 56-year-old nipples would say if they could talk

Photo credit: WENN

Madonna's nips are over it. Now, they are on display constantly, including at the gym. We can imagine that they were humiliated, flopping around hither and yon, hanging on for dear life and doing their best to not pop out.

As you can see, Madonna's nipples have had a lot of ups and downs. At 56 years old, they'd be weary and ready for retirement. We're certain that instead of being put on display for the world to see, they'd rather be comfortably settled behind a bathing suit, being served drinks while warming themselves by the ocean.

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