1. Totally piss off Harrison Ford and rip on a classic film franchise in the same breath.
2. Hide in Selena Gomez's dressing room and surprise the hell out of her. Others have tried, and they have failed. And by failed we definitely mean gotten slapped with a restraining order.
3. Watch movies in a dimly lit West Hollywood apartment above a liquor store with a pink-kimono-clad Marilyn Manson.
4. Get in bar brawl outside of a Vancouver dive on Saturday, then enjoy a lovely, sunny bike ride through the city on Sunday.
5. Badmouth the very movies that made him famous for allowing "no room for being a visionary," yet continue to land roles in said movies.
6. See also: Call himself a visionary. Inferred or otherwise.
7. Partake of a little holiday Starbucks with someone after sharing explicit sex scenes with them. No, no, we're not blushing — the chai tea latte is just super hot.
8. Or, you know, have legit sex on camera and call it art or a statement or anything other than porn or One Night in [insert name here].
9. Sit silently in a room in Los Angeles and call it art. In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw, "Oh please! There are depressed women all over New York doing the exact same thing as her and not calling it art. I mean, if you put a phone up on that platform, it's just a typical Friday night waiting for some guy to call." #IAMSORRY #IAMNOTSORRY
10. Convince Transformers' casting director he's hot enough to conceivably land Megan Fox.
11. And, oh yeah, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, too. I mean, he's cute and all, but... c'mon.
12. Get romantic on a dirty New York City sidewalk with gf Mia Goth. Should we "aww" or "eww"?
13. Admit to getting high on acid and filming it... three times. Guys, it was in the name of art. Three times. Three times in the name of art.
14. Take a role in a play, get in an infamously public feud with the hotheaded director, quit said play (or get fired, jury's still out) and follow all that up by booking a front-row seat for its premiere.
15. Plagiarize a graphic novella for a short film and — wait for it — later plagiarizing the apology for plagiarizing in the first place.
16. Officially retire from public life... via Twitter.
17. Aaaand then head-butt some dude in a London bar brawl a week later.
18. Apologize for drunkenly head-butting a fellow bargoer by claiming to be "super normal." Because, naturally, all super normal people are gifted bar head-butters.
19. Rock the red carpet wearing a paper bag over his head. So, yeah.
20. Get kicked out of a Broadway production of Cabaret. Like, seriously... what does one even do to get kicked out of Cabaret?
21. Call Brad Pitt "my husband." Oh, no, wait. We do do that. Every. Single. Day.
22. Pull out a tooth, which LaBeouf did to prepare for his role in Fury. Did we mention his "husband" Brad Pitt said afterwards that LaBeouf was one of the best actors he's ever worked with?
23. Reveal utterly shocking admissions in the most cavalier way possible — via email.
24. Strap a GoPro to his head, stare at a journalist for an hour and call it an interview.
25. Do all the aforementioned s*** and somehow have us more-than-marginally convinced it's all part of his elaborate performance art, and he's secretly a frickin' genius.
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