Here are a few choice thoughts that occurred to us as we laughed our way through four-and-a-half minutes of man junk and ass hair.
Note: While the fearless guys featured in the video are named Ned Fulmer, Keith Habersberger, Eugene Lee Yang and Zach Kornfeld, they shall henceforth be known in this article as Normal Dude, Tall Nerd, Hot Asian and Tiny Nerd, respectively.
1. Hmm, this definitely looks NSFW. Time to break out the earbuds and expertly angle our screens.
2. Yes, there will be less fabric, Hot Asian. We'd like there to be less talking now, too.
3. Aw, shit. It's about to go down! (Or up? Too much?)
4. Tall Nerd says he's excited. We're sure you are, buddy. We'll probably find out how much so in about six seconds.
5. Seriously, though... where do they put their nut sacks? Do they get divided? Can they get divided?
6. Normal Dude just cupped his own ass. Wait, did we just like that?
7. It's giving you a wedgie, you say? On purpose, you say? Welcome to our f***ing world, boys.
8. "This is going to burst wide open." Fingers crossed he's just talking about the fabric.
9. Hot Asian is afraid if he bounces around, his balls will "schlep" out of his suit. Would it be wrong to ask him to bounce around more?
10. European guys have dick pockets? Mental note: Never ask a European man at the beach for change for a dollar.
11. Sweet Jesus.
12. Unshowable? Psh. Show us the goods, Tiny Nerd.
13. Aw, it does look like a toucan!
14. OMG, Hot Asian's dick profile totally reminds us of Doug. You know, from the cartoon.
15. Aaaaand he just did the dick sway.
16. Can't. Look. Away.
17. Tiny Nerd's skin is the color of ricotta cheese.
18. Is penis-y a word?
19. "It looks like my dick is about to break into someone's house and steal something." Ooh, us, us! We want to be burgled.
20. "It looks like I'm wearing a sock on my dick and nothing else." Well, if the dick sock fits....
21. OMG, some of these dudes' peens look really small.
22. Hey, Tiny Nerd's chest hair looks like a kitten! A kitten whose nipple eyes are seriously freaking us out right now.
23. There aren't enough videos of guys parading their junk around in pasty hilarity.
24. Beach wiener alert!
25. What the ef?! Tiny Nerd is totally hung.
26. Like, for real... that's a lot of wiener.
27. Normal Guy wasn't joking, bro. Your dick is huge.
28. Also, Hot Asian is really hot. Even if his bulge isn't as big as Tiny Nerd's.
29. Who knew hair grows in tufts beneath guys' ass cheeks?
30. We could've gone the rest of lives without intimate knowledge of said ass tufts.
31. Hot Asian's ass looks better in a bikini bottom than ours. F***.
32. Normal Dude is bailing to go out with his wife? Can we take his place?
33. Men in Speedos should not be allowed to squat.
34. It goes against the laws of nature, like Nicolas Cage's hair.
35. See also: Nicolas Cage should never, ever, under any circumstances, be allowed to wear a Speedo.
36. Don't their balls get squinched? Like, you know, squished and pinched at the same time?
37. What would you call that — a front wedgie?
38. People from Europe are ballsy. (*snicker*)
39. We're moving.
40. JK. But a company trip to Europe next year does sounds like a pretty solid investment.
41. Unless we wind up balls deep — literally — in wrinkly, old European dudes at the beach. Then, it's time to book the first flight back to the land of board shorts.
42. Dear Tiny Nerd, we're not uncomfortable with your body.
43. It is glorious, in all its kitteny chest hair, surprisingly filled-out Speedo glory.
44. Rock that shit.
45. Hey, by the way, is Hot Asian single?
46. "I was walking down the bike path and an old man made eye contact with my dick and went, 'Damn it!'" He liked it.
47. So did we.
48. For real, you guys are the complete package.
50. On a scale from one to Courtney Love, how weird would it be to offer to apply Hot Asian's thigh sunscreen?
51. Wow, that was almost too much man junk to handle on a Thursday afternoon.
53. Is there such a thing as a test audience for BuzzFeed man junk videos?
54. And now we're hungry.
55. Are hot dogs totally out of the question?
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