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Even the Illuminati is all about gender equality — here's proof

Julie Sprankles is a freelance writer living in the storied city of Charleston, SC. When she isn't slinging sass for SheKnows, she enjoys watching campy SyFy creature features (Pirahnaconda, anyone?), trolling the internet for dance work...

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

According to The 66 Laws of the Illuminati, women are goddesses and should be treated as such. Nice, right? But if you're thinking of joining, you better step up your game. Only women of the "highest quality" are welcome in this super-secretive organization.

At the UN earlier this week, Emma Watson made an impassioned speech imploring men to get involved in the conversation about gender inequality. But, judging by the book, The 66 Laws of the Illuminati, the men of the Illuminati don't need much convincing.

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In fact, if you take Law 59 at face value, they don't need any. So, is the organization really just a bunch of feminists or is there more to this chapter than meets the eye. Let's read between the lines.

"Men should always respect women for they are vessels in which the new light is created."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Right? Women have been trying to get this point across forever. We just refer to our offspring as "kids," but "new light" works, too, we suppose.

"When you seek a mate, find the highest quality vessel to bear the light."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Hmm... OK. I mean, yeah. Naturally, you want the person you start a family with to be someone who brings out the best in you and who is a good person. But we kinda feel like these dudes might put out a casting call for spouses along the lines of, "Middle-aged keeper of light seeking young, attractive, healthy specimen to procreate with. Experience with underground organizations desirable."

"Frequently, the World's belief systems put women secondary to men. This is ludicrous. How can it be that the vessels that create the next generation and are cradles of the light are secondary to men?"

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Now we're on the same page! How is this a hard concept for people to grasp? The Illuminati gets it. Perhaps if they weren't so clandestine, they could help spread the word.

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"For the World knows that the creator of her is indeed like her. Men have for centuries intoxicated themselves with the belief that God is a man. In reality he is a she."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We were not expecting this revelation. We're gonna need a minute to process.

"Evidence of this is in the Bible where it states that 'God is a jealous god' and 'Her thoughts are not like your thoughts' — men cannot understand God, because man cannot understand woman."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

First of all, are we correct in understanding that God is a jealous god and therefore God must be a female? Because, what, all women are jealous? This feels like one of those ridiculous IQ test questions. "True or false? If all Boogles are Battuns, and some Battuns are Trandles, all Trandles must be Boogles." We're not arguing about the point that men don't understand women, though.

"Therefore, women shall be regarded as goddesses. And goddesses are to be revered. We find these goddesses as our mothers, wives, sisters, and friends."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Well now, this is lovely.

"It is not a man's job to force her to control her. Attempting to control any person, let alone a woman, is futile. It is not a man's job to force her to cover herself because of his lust and inability to control himself. She should determine her own attire."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Um, yeah! Dare we say we're starting to think the Illuminati might not deserve the bad rap it gets?

"In finding a mate with which to bear children, be wise and discerning. Be sure she is a person of high standing. If she is, she will do the same."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Again, we've gotta admit, we're impressed. This is a solid principle and one people from all walks of life would benefit from practicing. That is, if by "in high standing," they are referring to quality of character. If they are talking about social or political standing, well, it's not nearly as nice.

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"Know that if you are living in your light actively and creatively, then you will attract a partner of the same caliber."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Straightforward enough, right? You get what you give. What you put out into the world, you will get back. We can dig it.

"You cannot get a racehorse out of a mule. Racehorses are racehorses. Those with the light and living in their light will encounter others like themselves."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

Pump the brakes, buddy. This just took a turn for the worse. When did women start meriting comparisons to mules? Also, come to think of it, we kind of resent the fact that this is written to men by men. Are women not allowed to read or are they just not worthy of such advice? What the hell, Illuminati?

"Make no mistake about it."

Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59

This sounds oddly totalitarian and ominous. Aaaaand we're back to being creeped out by the Illuminati.

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Basic bitches, beware: The Illuminati doesn't want you, based on Law 59
Image: FayesVision/Wenn

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