Alas, with nary the budget for either, we decided instead to take our own stab at deciphering McConaughey's strange ads for the luxury car company.
In this first of three ads for Lincoln directed by Drive filmmaker, Nicolas Winding Refn, McConaughey muses for over a minute, saying, "Sometimes you gotta go back to actually move forward. And I don't mean go back to reminisce or chase ghosts — I mean go back to see where you came from, where you been, how you got here. See where you're goin'. I know there are those who say you can't go back. Yes, you can. You just have to look in the right place."
Perhaps this is a brilliant piece of life advice about how you can never get where you're going until you know where you've been. You know, your past doesn't weaken you, but, rather, it's an integral part of your journey.
Perhaps. That, or McConaughey's waxing poetic about the mental back and forth that inevitably comes with hitting up an automated car wash. (Should I drive forward more? Let me just back it up a bit... oh, wait, nope. Now I see where I'm supposed to be. I'll just pull up some.) C'mon... McConaughey's been known to prattle on about spaceships during SAG speeches — we're not putting anything past him.
Still, the #inthemoment hashtag seems to confirm some deeper, life-affirming message, but — silly Matty — we don't need the extra reminder. We've been carpe-ing the diem ever since David Wooderson told us to in Dazed and Confused.
There are few takeaways from McConaughey squaring off against a giant bovine. "That's a big bull. I think that's Old Cyrus — 1,800 pounds of 'do whatever the heck I want.' I can respect that."
Obviously, McConaughey's now channeling his True Detective character, "Rust" Cohle, right? Seriously, he's talking like him, he's rockin' his mannerisms. If this wasn't intentional, we can only assume McConaughey is so deep in character, he doesn't even realize he's in character anymore. He's basically Rust Cohle playing Matthew McConaughey. Confused yet? Us, too.
"Take the long way, huh? Thank you, Cyrus."
McConaughey fails to stare down Cyrus because, apparently, his weird, repetitive Rust Cohle-ish hand twitch isn't imbued with the same powers as that of Crocodile Dundee.
OK, so there's probably also a moral sandwiched in there somewhere. Enjoy the ride! Life is a highway! Pick your cliche!
Then there was one... the newest spot and, arguably, every bit as strange as the first two.
"I've been driving a Lincoln since long before anybody paid me to drive one. I didn't do it to be cool. I didn't do it to make a statement. I just liked it," McConaughey says.
And while we're certain this is supposed to speak to the effortlessness of the Lincoln and how, like McConaughey, it lacks pretension, we can't get past McConaughey's raspy tone and persona that seem to say, "I'm a serious actor now. I've won awards. The more serious I act and the more gravelly my voice is, the more likely it is that people will forget this..."
"...and, eesh, definitely this..."
"... aaaaand this one, too."
McConaughey shouldn't be so quick to slap the hands stuffing dollars down his G-string, though. Those same ladies are indicative of the actor's, ahem, enthusiastic female fan base who essentially bought him that Lincoln he "just liked."
However, for all our conjecturing, we're still left — dare we go there? — dazed and confused by McConaughey's Lincoln campaign. Which leads us to one finite conclusion: Ellen was telling the truth.
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