These people don't mess around. Cue the campy theme song and — bam — introduce our intergalactic home girl via neon lights. So advanced.
Hold the phone. WTF is that creepy claymation doll thing? Are you seeing this?
The Disney original movie opens with Zenon waking up late and, presumably, cursing the movie gods for making her catchphrase "Zetus Lupetus."
I'm generally opposed to Comic Sans on principle, but it feels right here.
Yeah, so she lives in space.
With that messy high bun, I'm starting to believe she really was light-years ahead of the rest of us. Suck it, messy-high-bun-flaunting models circa now.
The space "sta" (future teen lingo for "station") kinda looks like a giant, spinning Double Stuf Oreo.
You know, without the filling. Or a Trivial Pursuit pie. Mmm, pie.
Her hair takes a turn for the worse, but it's OK because she's in the Illuminati.
"You want me to eat that for breakfast? B****, please. Don't you see this pyramid around my neck? I start my day with a warm bowl of human souls."
Zenon rushes into class, where her BFF Raven-Symonè throws some shade.
Is that a Slinky in her hair? Also, check the necklace. The Illuminati is everywhere, y'all.
Now that Zenon has arrived, class can begin. So her professor holograms himself in for the lecture, Michael-Jackson-award-show-style.
"Chelsea Clinton is now your president. She's 69, and she's harvesting sea cucumbers to fuel the world."
Zenon discovers her favorite boy band, Microbe, is coming to their space sta — she gets "all flared up" and disses this girl major by asking if she's new to the galaxy.
"Touch my manapua and I'll cut you major."
Manapua is a doughy ball stuffed with meat or other filling, not unlike me. Just FYI.
It's a Hawaiian delicacy... and apparently also the food of the future. The manapua. Not me.
This dude shows up and is pretty important, but he dresses like a creepy imaginary member of the Lollipop Guild.
"I can't believe I agreed to wear this s***."
He shouldn't feel bad, though, because every other adult dresses like they came straight from Christina Applegate's runway in Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.
Meanwhile, in Zenon's parents' lab... this, because science.
In case you had any questions about where the future stands in regards to animal testing, meet Theo. Paul Mitchell would be so disappointed.
Fangirldom is alive and thriving in the future, hence the classic squeal-and-shake.
"They're appearing in their luminarious heart-fluttering flesh! Control myself? When my all-time major crush is coming to our humble halls?" Alliteration is the space-age version of talking dirty.
Things definitely get dicey when Zenon's mom breaks out the "stress helmet" and talk turns to "blasting him into orbital bliss major" and "fully blowing an O-ring."
"If you don't straighten your a** up, so help me I will turn this space station around, young lady."
In the future, everyone wears fluorescent spandex and has really bad hair. Just think of it as an extended version of Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical" music video.
When s*** gets real, Zenon tries to get her parents to put on the sex, er, stress helmets.
Remember the "sensor rings" in Coneheads? I'm gonna bet these stress helmets work a lot like those.
If you're ever facing an intergalactic move to Earth and you're totally dreading it, you can count on Raven-Symonè for stellar life advice.
"Avoid tornadoes, don't drink the water and take a zelfie every day." WTF's a zelfie? Could it be the precursor to the modern-day selfie? Holy Kim Kardashian!
Zenon is greeted on Earth by the token (not to be mistaken with tokin', although if the Birkenstock fits...) free-spirited aunt, complete with a new-back-then VW Beetle.
"I'm totally going to play dumb and pretend there isn't a growhouse in my basement when you explain hydroponics to me later."
The first Earth clique Zenon encounters consists of still-in-his-awkward-phase guy, BRF girl, dreamboat Greg and the kid who goes on to star in one of the greatest cinematic treats ever: Holes.
It's X-Ray, y'all!
Photo credit: Disney
Then Zenon breaks out the Z-Pad, proving that Apple's been holding out on us all these years. Damn the man.
"Morning, glorious! You look totally luminarious. Wait, cut. Do we really want to influence an entire generation of teenyboppers to talk like this?"
Apparently Zenon influenced at least one teenybopper in particular....
I mean the hair, obvi. Not the writhing.
Greg starts hitting on Zenon hardcore. While wearing a fanny pack.
Which makes us ponder: Did Greg fill his like Dwayne Johnson's fannypack?
Such questions keep me up at night.
Zenon continues to prove that hair in 2049 looks an awful lot like bad '80s hair.
This was the exact hairstyle I had in my kindergarten photos.
Rocking the high side ponytail à la I Dream of Jeannie, Zenon goes horseback riding on the beach with Earth cutie Greg.
Well, that escalated quickly.
Then they enjoy a romantic dinner, during which she binge eats and he complains about paying the bill. Sounds about right.
Because I'm old as f*** now, I'm wondering when 13-year-olds started being allowed on romantic (and expensive, obvi) nighttime dates without supervision. Don't they watch Nightmare Next Door?
To top off the date movie clichés, they almost share a kiss in the rain.
It would have been better if he were dangling upside down wearing a Spidey mask.
Based on their wardrobes, I can only assume all Earth girls in the future learned to dress by watching Clueless.
Zenon and Greg finally share an awkward face-smash sort of kiss when she tells him to grow a pair and make a move.
"Sorry I ran into your face. I was temporarily blinded by the pattern on my shirt."
Because magical things like this always happen, Zenon meets her idol, Protozoa.
I'm thinking he modeled his hair after a hedgehog. No, wait. A durian fruit!
The movie wraps after Zenon becomes the hero. I can't tell you exactly how... I got a little lost in the convoluted plot, but suffice to say she saved the world.
To top it all off, she gets to hear Microbe sing a truly profound song that undoubtedly changes her life.
"Zoom zoom zoom, make my heart go boom boom boom, my supernova girl."
These lyrics lead me to believe that Luke Bryan is a direct descendant of Protozoa.
Exhibit A? Lyrical wizardry. "Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom / Dancin' on the tailgate in a full moon / That kinda thing makes a man go mmm, mmm." See also: "Rump Shaker" by Wreckx'n Effect. "All I wanna do is a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, just shake ya rump."
Seriously, though... this chick is supposed to be 13?
I suppose 2049 really will be the Miley generation — known in some circles as the Armageddon.
P.S. I can't stop saying "Zetus Lupetus," so thanks for that, Zenon.