Hold the phone. WTF is that creepy claymation doll thing? Are you seeing this?
I'm generally opposed to Comic Sans on principle, but it feels right here.
With that messy high bun, I'm starting to believe she really was light-years ahead of the rest of us. Suck it, messy-high-bun-flaunting models circa now.
You know, without the filling. Or a Trivial Pursuit pie. Mmm, pie.
"You want me to eat that for breakfast? B****, please. Don't you see this pyramid around my neck? I start my day with a warm bowl of human souls."
Is that a Slinky in her hair? Also, check the necklace. The Illuminati is everywhere, y'all.
"Chelsea Clinton is now your president. She's 69, and she's harvesting sea cucumbers to fuel the world."
"Touch my manapua and I'll cut you major."
It's a Hawaiian delicacy... and apparently also the food of the future. The manapua. Not me.
"I can't believe I agreed to wear this s***."
In case you had any questions about where the future stands in regards to animal testing, meet Theo. Paul Mitchell would be so disappointed.
"They're appearing in their luminarious heart-fluttering flesh! Control myself? When my all-time major crush is coming to our humble halls?" Alliteration is the space-age version of talking dirty.
"If you don't straighten your a** up, so help me I will turn this space station around, young lady."
Remember the "sensor rings" in Coneheads? I'm gonna bet these stress helmets work a lot like those.
"Avoid tornadoes, don't drink the water and take a zelfie every day." WTF's a zelfie? Could it be the precursor to the modern-day selfie? Holy Kim Kardashian!
"I'm totally going to play dumb and pretend there isn't a growhouse in my basement when you explain hydroponics to me later."
It's X-Ray, y'all!
"Morning, glorious! You look totally luminarious. Wait, cut. Do we really want to influence an entire generation of teenyboppers to talk like this?"
I mean the hair, obvi. Not the writhing.
Such questions keep me up at night.
This was the exact hairstyle I had in my kindergarten photos.
Well, that escalated quickly.
Because I'm old as f*** now, I'm wondering when 13-year-olds started being allowed on romantic (and expensive, obvi) nighttime dates without supervision. Don't they watch Nightmare Next Door?
It would have been better if he were dangling upside down wearing a Spidey mask.
"Sorry I ran into your face. I was temporarily blinded by the pattern on my shirt."
I'm thinking he modeled his hair after a hedgehog. No, wait. A durian fruit!
"Zoom zoom zoom, make my heart go boom boom boom, my supernova girl."
Exhibit A? Lyrical wizardry. "Girl, you make my speakers go boom boom / Dancin' on the tailgate in a full moon / That kinda thing makes a man go mmm, mmm." See also: "Rump Shaker" by Wreckx'n Effect. "All I wanna do is a zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, just shake ya rump."
I suppose 2049 really will be the Miley generation — known in some circles as the Armageddon.
P.S. I can't stop saying "Zetus Lupetus," so thanks for that, Zenon.
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