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5 Reasons the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer killed our lady boner

Shanee is a screenwriter and educator living in Los Angeles. She created the web series She Blinded Me w Science to encourage young girls to explore science and technology. You can also read her blog where she chronicles her filmmaking ...

Were we the only ones not quite turned on by the Fifty Shades trailer?

The two-minute trailer for Fifty Shades is out, giving us a sneak peek into the one of the most anticipated erotic stories of this millennium. After watching the trailer, however, we're not exactly ready to dust off the handcuffs and hit the sheets. Here's why.

1) Don't want to see Dakota Johnson naked

The daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, Dakota most certainly inherited acting genes and good looks. But in the trailer, her Holly Hobbie blouse and schoolgirl skirt make her look incredibly mousy. We understand that Anastasia is supposed to be a woman repressing her sexual desire, but she seems terrified of Christian, as opposed to being curious about getting to know him better. Dakota Johnson looks more like our kid sis than a woman on the verge of a sexual awakening.

Dakota Johnson's dad won't watch her in Fifty Shades of Grey >>

2) Charlie Hunnam hangover

We were so elated, even instantly aroused when we first heard the Sons of Anarchy bad boy was going to play Christian Grey. We fantasized about Hunnam without his scruffy beard and leather jacket, all spiffed up in his tailored Armani suit and tie and looking sharp. But when the Brit backed out, we really questioned whether or not Jamie Dornan could fill his pricey Berluti dress shoes. From watching the trailer, we're not optimistic.

This is what the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer would have looked like with Charlie Hunnam >>

3) Jamie Dornan comes off as a cardboard cutout of Christian Grey

Dornan is hot and we appreciate the tease of his bare, slip and slide chest, but there doesn't seem to be much going on behind the scowl. In fact, the trailer comes off more like a perfume ad that's made for a wide television audience.

4) Where's the kink?

OK, we see Mr. Grey take out a blindfold, which is pretty tame, if you ask us. Then there's a super-quick shot of a leather flyswatter and the red silk restraints, but the objects aren't what we're interested in. S&M is more about taking on the role of a dominant or submissive and it's all about either feeling in control or giving up control — that's what's sexy to us. We don't get any real sense of these desires from the trailer.

5) Sometimes books are better left as books

Not all novels are destined to be great films because the concepts don't always transfer from the page to the big screen. Erotica is to be read alone and to live in one's imagination. One of the reasons the book was so popular was that a woman could read it on her Kindle at the PTA meeting and no one would ever know she was reading about sexy spankings. Will Fifty Shades make a lot of money? Certainly. Will it be as orgasmic as the book? We're guessing not.

Haven't seen the trailer yet? Watch it here.

Fifty Shades of Grey opens Valentine's Day, 2015.

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