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VIDEO: Lily Allen makes a disappointing "Sheezus"

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Name-dropping can't save this track

Anyone else feel like Lily Allen's "Sheezus" sounds more like something written through a boring ninth-grade biology class than the work of a professional musician?

Oh, the pain. We love Lily Allen, but her new track is downright torturous and the video isn't an improvement. Allen is known for her kitschy videos and lyricism, so to a certain extent, there isn't anything unfamiliar about her new single, "Sheezus." The camp and rough-around-the-edges vibe is certainly prevalent on the track. The problem is, well, everything else.

Lily Allen announces Sheezus, releases single >>

Allen knows how to write decent lyrics. Proof is in songs like "Chinese" and "Smile." "Hard Out Here," another track off her new album, Sheezus, is equally as fun as her most famous songs. And then there's the title track, the newest monstrosity to be released. Why do we loathe the new song? The lyrics and flow are an utter mess. If Allen was attempting to sound like someone with virtually no rhythm attempting to rap for the very first time at a karaoke night, she nailed it. If she thinks "Sheezus" is an adequate addition to her brilliant discography, she's sadly mistaken. Plenty of rappers have name-dropped with much success. Unfortunately, Allen is not a rapper and her attempt at it in this instance just falls flat. The song is not amusing — something we never thought we'd say about Allen.

Some of the most spectacularly-bad lyrics come in the new single's chorus. Awesome, right? That means we get to listen to this more than once.

Ri-Ri isn’t scared of Katy Perry’s roaring
Queen B’s going back to the drawing
Lorde smells blood, yeah, she’s about to slay you
Kid ain’t one to f*** with when she’s only on her debut

We’re all watching Gaga, L-O-L-O, haha
Dying for the art, so really she’s a martyr
The second best will never cut it for the divas
Give me that crown, b****, I wanna be Sheezus

Congratulations. You named five "divas" in one chorus. But, why? None of what she says is particularly bad. As a mater of fact, the only person who might feel slighted is Katy Perry. In general, Allen distributes props to her fellow pop princesses. When it's done over absolutely no flow and with seemingly no agenda (except perhaps being SEO), however, it just feels trite.

Lily Allen thinks pop stars are idiots >>

Allen makes matters worse by launching into a health lesson halfway through the song.

It makes me angry, I’m serious
But then again, I’m just about to get my period
Periods, we all get periods
Every month, that’s what the theory is
It’s human nature, another cycle

Why is that a necessary contribution to any song? Everything about "Sheezus" feels immature and unkempt. It reminds us of the notes we'd pass back and forth in eighth grade. Did she go on an email rant to her BFF and then decide to read it over some quirky music? Who decided this was a good idea?

Adding to the WTF factor is the neon and black light music video that makes Allen look like she belongs in Avatar. Why? Why did this happen and how do we make it stop? Allen is a gorgeous woman full of talent and we're still beyond excited for the May 5 release of her new album, Sheezus. You can bet we'll skip over the opening track, though.

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