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ENTERTAINMENT / Celebrity Gossip

Human Barbie, Valeria Lukyanova: Most inane quotes

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

Hey, Doc, can I get a brain with that?

In the April 2014 issue of GQ, Valeria Lukyanova — the "Human Barbie" from the Ukraine — says the popularity in plastic surgery in the Western world is due to "race-mixing." We did a bit of digging, and it turns out that isn't the only moronic thing she's said.
Human barbie Valeria Lukyanova
Photo credit: Via Valeria Lukyanova's official Facebook page

May I have a side of brains, please?

In a proverbial pot calling the kettle black moment, Valeria Lukyanova — possibly the most plastic woman in the world — had this to say to GQ about the popularity of plastic surgery in the Western world:

"That's because of race-mixing. For example, a Russian marries an Armenian. They have a kid, a cute girl, but she has her dad's nose. She goes and files it down a little, and it's all good. Ethnicities are mixing now, so there's degeneration, and it didn't used to be like that. Remember how many beautiful women there were in the 1950s and 1960s, without any surgery? And now, thanks to degeneration, we have this. I love the Nordic image myself. I have white skin; I am a Nordic type — perhaps a little Eastern Baltic, but closer to Nordic."

Yes, she called racial mixing degeneration. Yes, she suggested she was alive in the '50s and '60s and thus has a healthy frame of reference for what women looked like back then. And yes, she's suggesting that every civilization, before the '50s and '60s, had not been mixing races and nationalities. Guess who has two thumbs and forgot to ask the plastic surgeon for a brain to go with her boobs? That girl.

Another nail in the coffin

While the GQ quote about race above has been generating the most attention, it turns out Lukyanova has other not-smart things to say. When Michael Idov, the editor-in-chief of GQ Russia — who conducted the interview with the Human Barbie — asked about her unusual nails (because her cocked head and wide-eyed stare was making him uncomfortable and he didn't know what else to ask her), she explained:

"This is a fractal pattern from the twenty-first dimension. It took the longest time for the nail artist to get it right. It came to me in a dream."

Of course, it did. It turns out lots of things come to Lukyanova in a dream, including her alternate name. According to the GQ article, Lukyanova prefers to call herself Amatue, a name she claimed had appeared to her in a dream.

One mother of a kid hater

When asked about becoming a mother, Amatue recoiled in horror.

"It's unacceptable to me. The very idea of having children brings out this deep revulsion in me. Most people have children to fulfill their own ambitions, not to give anything. They don't think about what they can give this child, what they can teach her. They just try to shape her according to some weird script — whatever they couldn't do in life, like becoming a writer or a doctor. Or some woman who's almost 30 and thinks no one needs her, she says, 'Oh, I'll have a kid. He will love me and become my reason to live.' And then this kid becomes a soccer ball she and her boyfriend will kick back and forth. I'd rather die from torture because the worst thing in the world is to have a family lifestyle."

So, dear readers, at a very minimum we can thank God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, the North Star, a Jersey cow (whatever you worship) that this woman does not intend to reproduce.

Not a feminist

Oddly, Amatue is not a feminist.

"I'm against feminism. But what would you keep the children for? So they can get you a glass of water when you're on your deathbed?"

Uh, what? Why are we starting to feel like Alice in the rabbit hole?

And another piece of the puzzle falls into place

Oh, now we get it. In a YouTube movie from Vice titled Space Barbie (see below), Bubble Head, er, Amatue reveals she might be from Venus and that she has a hell of a time remembering those days.

"For a long time I thought I was from Venus. I didn't remember what happened before Venus because it’s hard to restore the memories of past incarnations on other planets." That is so true, isn't it folks? It is so freakin' hard to remember stuff that never happened. Wow.

In Space Barbie, Amatue explains she's been visited by aliens. She confesses, "I saw different spirits from other dimensions." Don't feel bad if you haven't been visited by aliens because Lukyanova is all too happy to share her extraterrestrial wisdom with others. After talking about her not-of-this-world visits, she explains, "I use my appearance to promote my spiritual ideas. It works perfectly well." Does it? Does it really? Or does it just make you morbidly fascinating and a black hole of mockery?

Here is Barbie's movie in its entirety if you are home sick today and have nothing better to do. We couldn't sit through all of it, partly because the IQ-sucking content makes us want to light ourselves on fire and partly because we have jobs to support the kids we selfishly had so someone would bring us water on our deathbeds.

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