Share this Story

Miley Cyrus nude on a horse: Proof she still doesn't get "sexy"

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

And the congregation said, "Yuck"

Poor, poor Miley Cyrus. The misguided darling was never taught what sexy really is. Bless her heart, she keeps trying and trying, but she just isn't getting it. As if we need one, here is another shining example of how Cyrus just doesn't get what sexy is (images NSFW).

What to ride, what to ride?

Let us set the mood for you. Miley Cyrus wanted to vaporize her Hannah Montana image, and thought that her tongue and lots of nudity would do the trick. No one told her that there is a fine line between gross and sexy and that nudity isn't a terribly creative means for getting attention. In other words, all nude women have breasts, nipples and crotches. There really isn't anything new to offer when it comes to nudity. Sexy is more about the illusion of what someone does once they are naked — it's more about intent than it is about thrusting your lady parts in everyone's face.

For the sake of this history lesson on Cyrus' nudity, we begin with her quest for figuring out what to ride. We will rate each of these attempts to be sexy between 1 and 10, with 1 being not sexy and 10 being "please pass the eye bleach."

First Cyrus rode a wrecking ball in her video by the same name. Attempt to be sexy rating = 3

Miley Cyrus' naughtiest "Wrecking Ball" moves >>

Miley Cyrus

When the gasps subsided from that little stunt, Cyrus moved on to riding a huge hot dog during her Bangerz tour performances (which we're certain was meant to be some cheeky, immature phallic symbol). Now, she's riding a horse topless. Those of us who have actually ridden a horse know why this is not even remotely sexy. Attempt to be sexy rating = 8

Miley Cyrus

Here a nip, there a nip, everywhere a nip, nip

Maybe if you're a pubescent boy you might think Cyrus' nipples are sexy. The rest of us are just kind of bored by them. They are never portrayed in a particularly interesting or sexy way. They come across as a prop, or a means to an end, which makes all these nip shots just kind of weird and manipulative. We feel sorry for these pasties. Attempt to be sexy rating = 7

Miley Cyrus

PHOTOS: Miley Cyrus' top 5 WTF VMAs moments >>

Then Cyrus' nipples had to ruin Christmas. This image pretty much offends Jesus, Santa, small children, the elderly, Currier and Ives, Norman Rockwell... OK, everything living and not living. Attempt to be sexy = 10

Miley Cyrus
Photo credit: Twitter

Santa, please make Miley Cyrus put her tongue and nips away >>

Manners 101

What was one of the first things your mother taught you when you were little? "Don't stick your tongue out." Cyrus' parents clearly dropped the ball on this, but worse than that, somewhere along the line Cyrus started to believe that sticking your tongue out is sexy. It's not. Attempt to be sexy rating = 10

Miley Cyrus

Tongue meets doggie style

You're still with us? We haven't lost you yet? You're not grossed out beyond words? Well, it's time to buckle in because all the images leading up to this are child's play compared to the other spectacular examples that prove Cyrus wouldn't know sexy if it hired a wrecking ball and hit her in the head. Cyrus also has a proclivity for bending over and sticking her tongue out. How is this sexy, exactly? Has someone been watching too much really bad porn? Even so, why subject us to it? What did we do? Attempt to be sexy = 150

Miley Cyrus
Photo credit: Twitter

Brace yourself.

Miley Cyrus

A super-sized order of gross is coming right up.

Miley Cyrus

A final example of how Miley Cyrus wouldn't know sexy if it crawled out of the ocean and fell on her.

Miley Cyrus
Photo credit: Twitter
Tagged in
Recommended for You
Comments
Hot
New in Entertainment
Close

And you'll see personalized content just for you whenever you click the My Feed .

SheKnows is making some changes!