I, for one, am irrevocably scarred by Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Fitness Express workout DVD as they made us do it during P.E. in grade school. I guess you could say it was effective — nothing motivates you to plow through sit-ups at a record pace than ol' Arnie randomly popping up and telling you he's watching you like a total creeper. OK, he didn't say the total creeper part. I editorialized a bit.
Hey, it had to be hard hauling around those poofy side ponytails and giant neon-colored scrunchies. An '80s girl had to have stamina, right? That's where then 15-year-old Alyssa Milano came into play. In her Teen Steam workout DVD, she performed awkward exercise moves in her bedroom in the midst of a slumber party — ideal for blowing off angsty teen steam.
Bet you didn't expect to start your day with Angela Lansbury doing pelvic thrusts, huh? Although Lansbury's Positive Moves workout video was marketed toward senior women, there sure seemed to be a seductive vibe going on — much of the DVD sees Lansbury writhing around on her floral rug.
We're sorry, Heather Locklear. We'd love to listen to your expert advice on getting a super-fit and fab figure like yours, but we can't hear you over your bad '80s jazzercise wear. P.S. — That leotard is a thong in the back. How's that for a weird visual? It's like wearing socks with flip-flops.
Full disclosure: I may like Mark Wahlberg, but I loved me some Marky Mark. I knew every word to "Good Vibrations" and would happily challenge anyone to a lyrical throw down in defense of my favorite underwear-model-turned-rapper. So, truth be told, his over-the-top cheesy — he actually uses the expression "fly hunnies" more than once — workout video doesn't bother me. Don't judge.
Oh, Fabio. Perhaps you should forever stick to the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials. Or the cover of the steamy Harlequin novels my grandma used to hide in her bathroom cupboard. Also, you should know it's rude to flaunt the fact that you have more cleavage than your female cohort.
Who didn't love Six from Blossom? You'll be happy to know that Jenna von Oy, the actress who played your favorite sitcom bestie, will likely be around for a long time, thanks to her dedication to fitness. And you should also know that her a** could give Kim Kardashian's a run for her money. Maybe Kimmie should try a few of the stretches von Oy so expertly shows off in her workout video.
When you combine two things as cheesy as Paula Abdul and the song "YMCA," you're bound to get an epic amount of it's-so-bad-I-can't-look-away-but-I'm-covering-my-eyes... -ness. Such was the case when Abdul put out this workout video, which is basically the Frankenstein of fad group dances. Think "The Thriller" meets "The Macarena" meets the actual "YMCA."
We're not sure if Regis Philbin is doing crunches or worshiping the sun in his My Personal Workout video, but he's definitely doing it in an emerald green sweat suit — that much is unmistakable. All joking aside though, I'm totally down for giving this 1993 gem a try. Have you seen this guy? What's he, like, 100? He must be doin' something right.
I was relatively convinced for most of Shirley MacLaine's Inner Workout video that it was some sort of gag. But no... it's the real deal. MacLaine's exercise program is aimed at achieving mental or metaphysical or some other kind of fitness and at aligning your chakras — as shown by this trippy flash sequence that feels a little too Willy Wonka for my taste.
Don't get me wrong — I love country icon Tanya Tucker. But her Country Workout video feels like some weird line dancing/air guitar hybrid that reminds me of my aunt when she has one too many cocktails at a wedding reception.
Everything about Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino is kind of comical, so you might just say he's keeping in character for his workout video. As you might expect, there's a lot of gratuitous ab-flashing on his part.
You probably remember Step Up workouts, but we won't hold it against you if you don't remember La Toya Jackson's. Considering she seems completely confused by everything she's doing in the video, we're pretty sure she doesn't remember it either.
Kim Kardashian loves her booty. She makes no pretenses about that. What I don't get is what her boobs have to do with that — which is all I can seem to focus on when watching this workout video, thanks to her inexplicable choice of workout top. Maybe it's for better ventilation for the twins?
Welcome to one small step for fitness and one giant leap backward for womankind. Wanna get in shape and feel empowered? Follow Carmen Electra's cue and dance like a stripper. I wonder how many calories seductive hair whipping burns?
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