In reference to the weather in L.A.: "It's been raining, thank you for your prayers."
Ellen DeGeneres addresses 84-year-old June Squibb and talks about her nomination for Nebraska, and then she turns to Squibb and starts shouting (as if Squibb's hearing is impaired): "I'm telling everyone that you were wonderful in Nebraska."
"Between all of the nominees here tonight, you've made over 1,400 films and you've gone to a total of six years of college." DeGeneres proceeds to single out Amy Adams and ask if she went to college (which she didn't).
As DeGeneres spans the audience, she makes a general comment about all the beautiful people: "I'm not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it's clear. It's Jared Leto. I mean he's the prettiest."
To Jonah Hill, who bared his junk (sort of) in The Wolf of Wall Street, DeGeneres said, "You showed us something in that film that I have not seen in a very, very long time." Later, as the telecast came back on, DeGeneres told Hill, "No, no I don't want to see it," and Hill replies, "What's the big deal?"
Perhaps one of the most chuckle-worthy moments in DeGeneres' monologue was when she talked about Jennifer Lawrence falling on her way to receive her Oscar last year, and then she tells Lawrence that she won't mention to the audience how Lawrence fell out of the car on the red carpet this year. DeGeneres joked to the American Hustle star, "If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar."
DeGeneres' hilarious introduction of Jim Carrey: "Citizen Kane, Lawrence of Arabia, Ace Ventura. Our next presenter was in one of those."
Maybe one of the hardest things about hosting the Oscars has got to be pronouncing everyone's name correctly. DeGeneres talks about a presenter whose name she didn't have to study and then introduces "Holdie Gawn" instead of Goldie Hawn.
In keeping with DeGeneres' "Everyone's a winner" theme for the night, she decided that Bradley Cooper needed a consolation prize when he didn't get the Oscar for best supporting actor: "Once again this year, they're continuing with the theme of only one winner per category and I don't think that's fair." (DeGeneres gives Cooper lotto tickets with a quarter to scratch them off with, saying, "I need that back.") She then tells Cooper, "If you win a lot, we'll split it."
In one of several moments of the evening when DeGeneres made the Oscars her own, she had pizza delivered for some of the biggest stars in Hollywood. She asked the crowd, "Is anybody hungry? I just feel like everyone's got to be hungry right now." When the pizza arrived, she joked to the delivery guy, "Who's your favorite movie star, they're here. Who do you want to talk to?"
DeGeneres then cracked everyone up by announcing that she didn't have a way to pay for the pizza. "I don't have any money. Who here has, Sandy? Sandy you have money. You've got a lot of money." When Sandra Bullock says something about not carrying any money with her, DeGeneres says, "Where's Harvey Weinstein? No pressure only a billion people watching. Whatever you feel is right."
For whatever reason, Pharrell Williams insists on wearing Smokey the Bear hats during award shows, so when he performed wearing one on Oscar night, DeGeneres incorporated it into a bit: "I borrowed Pharrell's hat, and I thought I'd pass it around and get some money for the pizza." After sticking Kevin Spacey's money in her pocket, she takes Lupita Nyong'o's lip balm and frisks Brad Pitt saying, "What else you got?" (after chastising him for only putting $20 in the hat).
As we all know by now, DeGeneres took a selfie to post on Twitter with Meryl Streep and other A-list celebrities from the audience. When Pitt jumps in on another one of DeGeneres' selfies, she calls him a "photo hog." After tweeting the now famous Meryl Streep selfie, DeGeneres announced: "We just crashed and broke Twitter. We have made history. It's back up again. We are all winners tonight. That's what it means."
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