Here they are:
"Because it's Hollywood, and it kind of works, they'll just keep doing it until everyone hates it."
"No offense to the nominees last year — this year's legit."
"Matt, on any other night, in any other room, you'd be a big deal, but tonight — and don't take this the wrong way — you're basically a garbage person."
"Meryl Streep is here. Meryl Streep is so brilliant in Osage: August County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streep over 60."
Tina: "I believe Amy's here tonight."
The camera shoots to Jennifer Lawrence.
Amy: "She was fantastic, amazing, radiant. It's hard to believe she's a 42-year-old mother of two."
Tina: "I heard she's difficult to work with."
Amy: "Yeah, she's a straight-up b****."
On Gravity: "It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float away in space and die than spend any more time with a woman his own age."
On Matthew McConaughey: "For his role in Dallas [Buyers Club], he lost 45 pounds — or what actresses call being in a movie."
On The Wolf of Wall Street: "I really love the film, but some of it was too graphic. If I wanted to watch Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I would go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties."
"Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College." (high fives)
"We'll get the show done in 3 hours — or what Martin Scorsese calls, 'Act One!'"
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