It wouldn't be a season premiere of The Bachelor without a slew of embarrassing introductions. Monday night's episode delivered with false pregnancies, failed chemistry experiments and this from Lauren S. She rode a piano bike uphill, almost requiring the assistance of Juan Pablo and then cranked out a tune in the driveway. Go big or go home, and in this case — Lauren S. went big and didn't go home.
Amy came across like a cat that's overdosed on catnip. She was wound up, hyper and had enough energy for three bachelorettes. We wondered if Amy was cray-cray, but then she more or less proved it when she forced a massage on Juan — while he had his suit on (and with her hands slathered in essential oils). Juan described the encounter as "awkward" and in our heads we were screaming, "Dude, are you watching the same show we are? The whole freakin' thing is awkward!"
This is where things just got sad. Poor Lauren H. pretty much cried her way through the entire introduction ceremony because the poor child had her a** handed to her by her fiancé a year ago (the tool called her at work and broke off their engagement!). She claimed to be ready for love, but you don't need a psych degree to see this fragile doll is not ready for Juan Pablo or anyone else. We're certain she's humiliated by her outbursts, and we're keeping our fingers crossed she went home and booked a few appointments with a good therapist.
Please, The Bachelor gods, if you are listening — don't hand us another season of a bachelor with terrible decision-making skills. Did someone slip something in Juan's Champagne right before he thought giving the first impression rose to the only woman in the room who wasn't digging him was a good idea? WTF? We were still trying to figure out why Juan kept making a big deal out of Sharleen's mother-of-the-bride dress (don't get us wrong — she looked beautiful — but in a room of designer gowns he kept gushing about hers?)
We were still scratching our heads over that when Juan decided to run and fetch the first impression rose and give it to Sharleen! Meanwhile, she's telling the camera crew she thought she'd feel more chemistry toward Juan Pablo. The awkward pause after Juan presented her with the rose was almost unbearable.
In the moment of The Bachelor premiere that literally had us crouching down in our seats, Juan calls Kat down to receive her rose, and Kylie thinks he called her name, so they both walk toward Juan. Poor Juan had to send Kylie back to the lineup (do OMG moments get any better than that?) and to add insult to public humiliation, Kylie never received a rose! Check out the the face Christine (the girl in the green dress) makes. Painful. Just painful.
We know you don't really give a wilted rose about all the uncomfortable, cringe-worthy moments and the trumped-up drama — you tuned in to see a shirtless stud. Who are we to stand in the way of what the people want? Here's what you do to thoroughly enjoy the rest of these GIFs. Open another tab on your browser while this one is still open. Go to YouTube and stoke up your favorite guy-with-no-shirt-on song. (May we suggest "Dream Weaver?") Come back to this tab and kick back with the rest of Juan-ey boy.
(Sorry, but would this article be complete without a really bad knock-off of Juan's name? P.S. How much fun is it to say his name?)
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