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5 Ways to describe Miley Cyrus' porno — er, video — "Adore You"

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

Can we get a "huh?"

Miley Cyrus strikes again. Her new video for "Adore You" was "leaked" (insert eye roll here), so she released the original version. And we just have to say low-rent porn isn't Cyrus' thing. Or is it?

Miley Cyrus

Confusing

In the video for "Adore You," Miley Cyrus rolls around in a bed, pleasuring herself and then sort of switches gears and talks about marriage. Huh? She sings, "You and me were meant to be in holy matrimony. God knew what he was doing when he led me to you." Dear Lord in heaven. Wait until Phil Robertson and his Duck Dynasty kin get a hold of that.

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We're also confused by Cyrus' choice of props. What's with the camcorder from the '90s? How can a gal enjoy any quality "me time" when she's got a 10-pound weight in the other hand? That's what smartphones are for, Miley. (On a related note, it's called "me time" and "private time" for a reason. Clearly, no one ever explained that to Cyrus.) Finally, who wears a fishnet body suit in a bathtub?

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Miley Cyrus

Creepy

Are we the only ones who are completely freaked out by Cyrus' pointed nails from the crypt? They're just creepy. The lyrics in this video are a little disturbing, too. Cyrus represents every psycho girlfriend everywhere when she sings, "When you say you love me, no, I love you more. When you say you need me, no, I need you more." (Judging by the number of times she reaches into her underwear, she does need a guy — and quick.) Also, we're a bit uncomfortable with the ultraviolet shots in this video. It looks like somebody black-lighted the sheets in a hotel and found Cyrus.

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Miley Cyrus

Boring

Here's the thing, Cyrus fans. Cyrus appears to be on a one girl campaign to break all Vevo records (which would currently be her own record she recently set with most views for "Wrecking Ball.") When "Adore You" was leaked, Cyrus took to Twitter to express her disdain, "We all know Smilers would break another record if it wasn't for the f*** face who leaked my video. Alllllll good! Keep smiling :)."

In her attempt to set and break records, she's starting to feel like a broken record herself by bringing us the same theme over and over again. Someone needs to tell this poor kid what's sexy and what's not. Chewing on your arm, licking your hand and rubbing your face repeatedly like you have an itchy rash are not sexy. Cyrus seems to have watched some really bad porn and it is adversely affecting her artistic endeavors. Snore.

Miley Cyrus

Low-rent production

Even though Miley's nipples make an appearance at 1:03 in this video, we're not terribly impressed with the production value of "Adore You." With all the success Cyrus has enjoyed in the past year, certainly her budget for new videos can afford more elaborate sets — and hello — how about a hot dude? Cyrus' narcissistic videos scream, "Look at me, me, me!", and leave nothing for the girls in the crowd. Open up the video wallet already and hire a male model so the rest of us have something to look at!

Vocally awesome

Once again, "Adore You" is an awesome song and Cyrus' vocals are strong. She's a good singer — probably better than most of her peers outside of a studio. She doesn't have to do this crap. These videos are great for fueling the flames of public outrage through the media and breaking Vevo records, but they're not winning Cyrus any coveted music awards yet. If she wants to be taken seriously within the industry, she's going to have to knock off these self-indulgent antics at some point.

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