We should have known Miley Cyrus would try to ruin Christmas when she released a video Christmas card that shows the lovely and demure Cyrus flashing us with her lady business with a penis sketched over the top of it. Gross.
Have a look-see at this Christmas nightmare, Santa (please make sure Mrs. Claus is not in the room). What the hell is this? Who told Cyrus she is the only female who has nipples and a tongue and thusly, hers are inordinately special? It's just boring, Santa. Every living human being has nipples. Big freakin' deal.
We're also not buying her exploitation as a political statement. Using #freethenipple is even more offensive because it is a campaign started by activists who are "appalled by the American media's glorification of violence and repression of nudity." What a load of reindeer poo! Throwing in disdain for the "glorification of violence" to validate their desire to make nudity mainstream is bunk. We're not falling for it. Last time we checked, Cyrus' nipples hadn't been taken prisoner or hostage by anyone, so there is really no need to free them. In fact, Santa, we'd like to start our own campaign — #freeusfromcyrus'tongueandnips.
Santa, Cyrus has stuck her tongue out at us more times than we can count in 2013 — where we're from that's just bad manners. We're sure she's trying to look edgy and tell the world she doesn't give a f*** (excuse our harsh language, Santa, we're just trying to make a point), but all she really manages to accomplish is looking like a spoiled brat. Clearly, Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus never disciplined their child because she looks and acts like an overgrown child who was never put in her place. Then iconic publications like Rolling Stone have to feature her on the cover, topless with tongue out, validating her obnoxious behavior. If this isn't lump-in-the-stocking material, we don't know what is. We've been good this year, Santa. We implore you — make this stop. It is burning our retinas.
It seems we can't turn around without slamming right into Cyrus' nipples. She wore this little getup to the iHeart Radio Music Festival in September. We're certain you and your elves were too busy in your workshop, gearing up for the holiday season to notice that Cyrus was blinding us with her nipples again. This is America, Santa. We have a right to not be bombarded with images of a pop princess' desperate ploys for attention. Honestly, Santa, if we see that tongue one more time, we can't be held accountable for our actions.
In Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball" video, she is completely nude and trying really hard to make out with this wrecking ball chain (which clearly wants nothing to do with her). So far, 412 million people have watched in rapt fascination while Cyrus simulates oral sex on a sledgehammer and rides a wrecking ball in her birthday suit. See what we mean, Santa? It's enough already. It's just mundane and sophomoric, and clearly Cyrus has surrounded herself with so many yes-men and yes-women that she has no idea the public is planning a revolt. Santa, we beg you. Save our Christmas and save 2014 by making Cyrus put her nips and tongue away. Thank you, and happy holidays.
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