You were warned this may be a stitch on the rant side, so hopefully you have prepared yourself mentally. Kim Zolciak, the former smoking-in-the-house "star" from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, just tweeted a picture of her size 4 self nine days after giving birth to twins.
Let's do the math. Zolciak is 35 years old. Her body has now delivered six children. She just gave birth to two babies at the same time (in the medical community, those are called twins). Not to go all Mensa on you but those numbers do not add up to a size 4 body nine days after giving birth.
Please step into the booth and mark the box "yes" if you think Zolciak's claims are total BS.
OK, let's live in a fantasy world where a woman in her mid 30s gives birth to twins, making her birth brood a nice even six, and by the grace of God and a freakish gene pool, she bounces back to a size 4 nine days later. Let's just pretend for the sake of this argument that's even possible. (When you're done snickering, please keep reading.)
If by some fluke your body is able to perform such tricks, we beg you to keep it to your f***ing self. Here's why. It's hugely (and we mean, like, Sears Tower huge) irresponsible to send this message to postnatal women, particularly ones who have had twins.
If you or someone you know has had twins, you know about things like "twin skin" — skin that has stretched out to accommodate the growth of twin babies. I sat in a plastic surgeon's office with my sister (when she was considering getting her tummy tucked after the birth of her twins) and the used-to-be-a-heart-surgeon said to my sister — while pointing at her twin skin — "No amount of sit-ups is going to get rid of that." (My sister looks amazing, years later, after opting not to get plastic surgery.)
Zolciak's claims not only sets unrealistic expectations for womankind (we need another reason to beat ourselves up like we need to get kicked in the teeth by someone wearing steel-toed boots), it's sending a twisted message to her daughters about body image. Brielle, Zolciak's 16-year-old daughter tweeted, "How is my mom a size 4...it's been 9 days since she gave birth to twins."
A size 4 is unobtainable for most women who haven't just had twins and Zolciak is trying to suggest it's possible nine days after having twins? Is Zolciak's teen daughter going to grow up thinking this is a healthy postnatal expectation?
Is it that far-fetched to suggest that a woman who wears wigs (fake hair) and has fake breasts may have had the plastic surgeon sneak in right after her delivery to carve on her stomach? In fact, we could name countless other celebrities who have had twins in their 30s and 40s who pretend they've bounced right back to their fighting weight shortly after giving birth.
Are all these women coincidentally blessed with the same rare gene that makes this possible, or do they have really talented plastic surgeons? If you make a living on your looks, we suppose you do what you have to do — and that's fine — but just admit it! Let other moms who have just had babies (and the men in their lives) know that you've had help, so they are not consumed with self-loathing if, nine days after delivering twins, they are still carrying around a little baby weight.
We have a lot more respect for celebrities like Jessica Simpson, Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian who have given birth, disappeared for a while and through lots of diet and exercise emerged looking amazing (several months, not several days, later).
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