When aboard an aircraft…
Throughout one of the more memorable and quotable scenes in Bridesmaids which occurs on a plane ride, Wiig serves her own little comical snack alongside the flight’s complimentary beverages. During the scene, the star spirals into a ridiculous stream of outbursts and unanticipated shenanigans.
In order to successfully replicate Wiig’s behavior, first convince yourself that you are seeing things (i.e. colonial women on the wing of the plane), and then convince those around you of it as well. It’s best to maintain a straight face throughout it all, and if told by authorities to calm down, take on the identity of someone else. Perhaps, a “Mrs. Iglesias” would suffice.
When wanting to appear superior to those around you…
In a series of SNL skits, Kristen plays the role of Penelope, the obnoxiously hilarious one-upper. In one of the skits, Wiig plays a guest at a wedding. Penelope quickly hijacks the attention away from the bride and groom on their special day by announcing to all that she actually went to the moon for her honeymoon and that it’s no longer their wedding day, but National Penelope Day. And so…
Two words: One. Up.
And if the person you’re contesting with responds with three words, you just tell him or her that you’re dad actually invented the dictionary so you ultimately have ownership over whatever words he or she continues to speak. You may not come across as the most agreeable of people, but you will have at least perfected Kristen’s uncanny ability to drop the jaws of those observing around you.
If selected to guest appear on a variety show…
Playing ugly duckling Judice of the sister act in SNL’s parody series of The Lawrence Welk Show, Wiig pushes the envelope with her awkward looks, creepy little hands and disturbing behavior. At one point, Judice makes a mockery of her sisters’ choreographed performance by interrupting to sing about the time she found a dead cat on the side of the road, lathered it up in honey and then ate it. Refreshingly normal, right?
Now while we can’t recommend following suit, we can suggest generally trying to humiliate those affiliated with you by striving to be as unattractive as possible in public. It’s imperative to perfect an awkwardly stiff smile and blank stare while doing so.
One of Kristen’s earliest characters played on SNL was an overly enthusiastic Target employee who is constantly making inappropriate comments on the items she’s ringing up for customers. At one point, she interrupts a transaction using a giftcard to say that she uses her own cards as bathmats for her adult playhouse. A little kooky? Yes. Genius? Definitely.
If you find yourself caught in the perfect storm of retail therapy and vulnerable customers, make sure to muster up whatever unseasonable remark you can on whichever item those around you are looking into purchasing. Those marked-down dish towels are no longer dish towels, but what you use as capes for your pet squirrel, and you make sure to let everyone know that.
When not romantically interested…
The comedienne’s SNL sexpot character, Shanna, may initially draw men in with her seemingly seductive façade and good looks but then quickly repels them with her vulgar manners. First she’s sexy, then she’s hacking up hairballs and spitting up food. One minute she’s sensuous, another she’s flatulent.
How often do you find yourself being lusted after by unworthy potential male suitors? If you answered quite frequently, then embody your own version of Shanna. Next time you’re being hit on, fall into a fit of spastic movement, incessant belching and hyena laughs. That should do the trick.
More for the Kristen Wiig obsessed
10 questions with Kristen Wiig
Kristen Wiig gives advice to her 30-year-old self
Whammy! Kristen Wiig confirmed for Anchorman 2