Thank You, Corey, For Making Our Whole Day
Corey Feldman hasn’t had an easy go of it in Hollywood, becoming one of those celebrities that we almost feel a little dirty for mocking. Thankfully, that pang of guilt was fleeting. Let’s examine Corey’s latest creative endeavor — a music video. Join in us in a few observations, won’t you?
Corey's acting skills are a bit rusty.
What’s with the super-fake little kid yawn at the beginning? And we’re not really feeling all the misplaced pointing, either. You have to make us believe it, Corey!
Corey takes really short showers.
With his watch on. The watch doesn’t look terribly expensive, so it’s probably OK. At least he showered, which his girlfriends did not.
What the hell does "Ascension Millennium" even mean?
Maybe Corey’s logic is too sophisticated for some, but “ascension” means move up, and “millennium” means a thousand years. Yes, my brow is in full-on furrow. Wasn’t the millennium theme cool about 14 years ago?
Charlie Sheen called.
He wants his identity back. Is it just me, or does Corey remind you a lot of Charlie Sheen? It’s not just a physical resemblance, either. There’s the self-named “Feldmansion” (that’s not even catchy) filled with Playboy bunny knock-offs and friends partying in the pool house. All he needs to complete his Charlie makeover is a couple more ex-wives and a few more kids.
Take a look at the Michael Jackson dance tribute in the pool house. When everyone grabs their hat out of “midair” the dude in the back has a hat with the string still attached! He just keeps dancing (and not very well!). Words cannot express how much we love this. We love it almost as much as we love Feldman dancing a completely different routine than the other dancers. When this got played back to Feldman and the dude in the back with the string hat was pointed out, Feldman must have said, “F*** it. Nobody’s going to notice.”
Move over, Beyoncé. Step aside, Mariah Carey. There’s a new kid in town, and he sucks at lip-syncing more than you do. Corey is so off on his lip-syncing in this video that it is wildly entertaining, and we thank him for that. Seriously. Maybe when Corey’s looking up those acting refresher classes, he can ask if he gets a discount for taking a lip-syncing class too.
Save my soul.
Indulge me while I try to save my soul from burning for eternity by saying a couple of nice things.
* Corey Feldman is still around, and he lives in a mansion, so he’s got that going for him.
* If Ashton Kutcher doesn’t work out on Two and a Half Men, Corey might get hired to replace him.
* This song is catchy. My friends and I would dance to it if we had enough to drink.
* Corey is aging well. He might look like Charlie Sheen, but he looks like a young Charlie Sheen.
*Lastly, to help me avoid damnation, share this article. Let's get the kid more than a few thousand likes for his efforts.
There. That was exhausting.