What Annoys Me Most About Gwyneth Paltrow

5 years ago
The Suniverse just wrote a funny rant against Gwyneth Paltrow for Funny not Slutty, and it reminded me of the one thing that really irks me about that blond head on a stick. Want to guess what annoys me the most about Gwyneth Paltrow? The nepotism? Nope. The sense of entitlement that practically oozes from her microscopic pores? The Madonna-esque “maybe people will forget I’m not actually British” British accent? That she sings that she’s “country strong” with a straight face and a fake twang? That she named her daughter Apple?

Celebrities name their kids weird shit -- Fifi Trixabelle, Jermajesty, Kal-El -- that’s a given. So when Gwyneth and the Coldplay dude named their spawn after a Golden Delicious, I thought “good thing there’ll be plenty of money for therapy” and moved on.

I assumed Gwynie was leading a busy, busy life, had forgotten she was nine months pregnant, then went into labor one day after a grueling Pilates Reformer workout. Realizing she’d neglected to select a name for the child, she rifled through her gym bag looking for inspiration. It was either Kale Chips or Apple, and she flipped a coin. (It’s a little known fact that if Apple had a twin, she would have been named Master Cleanse.)

So what bothers me most about Gwyneth? It’s not just that she named her girl after a piece of fruit, it’s that she then named her son Moses.

Talk about having unequal expectations for your two kids:

  • Apples can freshen your breath; Moses can part the Red Sea.
  • Apples have seeds and a stem; Moses has The Ten Commandments handed to him from God.

I just don’t understand her thought process. She looks down at her newborn daughter’s downy head and thinks “I should name her after a crunchy, totally awesome snack, but I really hate almonds.” Then she gives birth to a son and is all “he could lead people into the holy land.”

Moses Martin?

How is Apple going to feel about this when she gets older? What kind of gender/birth order mind game are the Paltrow/Martins playing with their kids?
Can’t you just hear Apple phoning Moses and begging him to bust her out of rehab, whining:
“C’mon, Mose, you owe me... mom always loved you best.”
It can’t end well.
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