Wanted: a mom (the weak need not apply)

5 years ago

 A while back, I wrote my "letter of resignation"(click there to read it...)  Not to the salon where I spend my one day a week working (vacation as I call it), or to Lindsay my crazy Earth Monkey partner…but to my family.  I had a moment where I just thought, this is all too hard and I certainly could find an easier, better paying job without much trouble.  I never did turn the letter in; I think if I had, they would have all just rolled their eyes at me (I'm pretty used to that by now) and said "whatever...I'm hungry, can you make me a sandwich?"  I got to thinking that just in case I ever do decide to quit this job, it would be smart of me to  find a replacementfirst. I love these people enough to not want them to starve!  geez, I'm not heartless ;)
So here it goes...for anyone tempted to jump into motherhood (or for those that already have that need to know your not alone)  here it goes...


~You must first be willing to walk around the house in circles all day long, picking up the same things over and over, and over and over, and over...you get the point.

~You will serve as a full time waitress (without making any tips)

~Must be able to multi task; and by multi task I mean- pick up guinea pig poop, clean ketchup off of kids clothing, fix dinner, write a blog ;)...fold laundry (the piles that have been on the couch for 3 days) clean up spilled chocolate milk while yelling at directing the kids..and all before your 5:00 glass of wine!

~Be able to carry a purse 3x your body weight containing snacks, diapers, sand toys(you never know when you might need those!),  spare cleats, a change of clothing, bandaids, tweezers, extra hair ties... and just a side note; when you are desperate for a tampon, it probably wont be there!

~You must look good in a perma-pony.   You will no longer have even 5 minutes to make yourself presentable so a high quality pont-tail will be a must!

~This goes for makeup too...you must be able to go into public (or at least not terrify the neighbors) wearing nothing more than chap stick and mascara.  Brushing your teeth will be negotiable.

~Nerves of steal are mandatory.  You will be continually faced with ridicule suggestions from grandmas, mothers, aunts, and of course all of the other mothers that have all the answers!!

~It will be to your benefit if you enjoy endless crying, yelling, back talk and of course the whining that comes with every age.

~You must enjoy grocery shopping, 5 hour t-ball games, shoe shopping (um no, not for you anymore!) carpooling, play dates, toys on the floor, broken dishes, fixing 4 separate dinners every night and eating yours cold.

~This qualification is not mandatory but suggested...your job as a mother will be much more enjoyable should you choose to have a good attitude when having to forego romantic date nights or clothes shopping in exchange for arcades, mini golf and or bowling. 

~You must be willing to keep working while everyone else "rests, and or naps"...sorry, there are no lunch breaks or any other kind of "breaks" for that matter (except the "break" that happened to the vase your grandmother gave you on her death bed!)   This non existent down time includes bed time when  everyone else is sleeping, you must be willing to do just one more load of laundry and or dishes, pick up everyones shoes and put the toys in correct bins...you will be allowed to be "done" by 11:00 most nights.

~Please note that you will never be alone ever again...for some of you, this may be a good thing, for the others this just might be the thing that puts you over the edge! 

~Most importantly, you must be able to do all of this and more on aprox. 6 hours of interupted sleep every night (but only for the next 18years!)

~And lastly your heart must be extra large to hold all of the overwhelming love, your lips have to posed for countless kisses, and your arms have to be tender for lots of hugs.  You will need to "tuggle" for hours on end, just for the enjoyment of it, and lastly...You must be able to stare at another human being in pure amazement, that God gave you the most amazingly beautiful miracle(s) and that He considered you worthy of taking care of one of His most important creations!!   No biggie. ;)

One last thing…I decided to keep this job forever. No need to apply. ;)

This is an article written by one of the incredible members of the SheKnows Community. The SheKnows editorial team has not edited, vetted or endorsed the content of this post. Want to join our amazing community and share your own story? Sign up here.

More from parenting

by Julie Sprankles
| 14 minutes ago
by Kelcey Kintner
| 17 hours ago
by Sara Lindberg
| 18 hours ago
by Jennifer Mattern
| 18 hours ago
by Claire Gillespie
| 3 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern
| 3 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern
| 3 days ago
by Jennifer Mattern
| 3 days ago