I found myself near tears tonight as a drove home from work and it certainly won’t be the last time this happens. I got stuck at work late at an important meeting. It was 6:20pm and I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic coming home from Boston and I figured I wouldn’t be able to put my kids to bed… again. I felt like a horrible mother as I watched the brake lights flash red over and over in front of me. I felt really guilty again because I left my house at 8am and only saw my kids for about a half hour today, most of which was spent getting them out of bed, changing them and feeding them before running out the door. I didn’t get to cuddle them or play with them or laugh with them today. My heart sank a little bit more as I willed the cars ahead of me to hurry up, which of course, they did not!
I know this situation is not unique to working mothers but rather just the frustrating reality of every full time working mother. We spend a lot of time away from our children, trying to bring home the other half of the income so our kids can have a roof over their heads, food on their plate, clothes on their bodies and maybe some fun things outside of the necessities like an exciting vacation every summer or fun toys to play with. I’ve struggled with this difficult balance since I returned to work in September but it has become increasingly hard recently as I started a new job. I now have longer hours, less time to work from home and more travel. I feel like I have not even come close to figuring out how to balance two full time jobs.
I often feel like I’m missing everything and my parents, in laws and nanny get to spend more time with them than my husband and I do. My worst fear is the day that I know is coming… when I get home from work and whoever has them that day says, “Grace crawled today!” or “Cole walked today!” because I know I will have missed one of their firsts. We put in so much work to help them grow and develop but I know that is what is coming and probably soon. It’s going to break my heart even though I am going to be so happy they have accomplished another milestone
I love my job as a Human Resources Business Partner for a biotech company and I love being able to get out of the house and contribute to getting cancer patients a drug they deserve but I know I’m missing so much of my twin’s childhood. I often write to help share my experiences with those who are maybe going through something similar or to share the knowledge I’ve learned over the first fifteen months with twins but this article is because I needed some support too. I need someone to tell me it’s okay to leave my kids every day. I need someone to tell me that even though I’m gone 10 hours a day, my kids still love me and won’t resent me. I need someone to tell me that even if I have to travel for a work for week, my kids will still smile when I return. It is the hardest balance in life and even after fifteen months, it's still so difficult to manage. Just trying to take it a day at a time...