Trials of mommyhood

4 years ago

Hi all! I'm a newer mom of a one year old toddler girl. I was married for less than a year when we had her. My hubs and I married in August of 2010 and by November 2010 we were pregnant. I was overjoyed!!! We had planned to have children right away. We had been together for 12 years and felt we were ready.

In August 2011 our beautiful baby was born! It's crazy how your life suddenly is no longer your own. I suffered from anxiety and I was literally afraid to be by myself. I never had feelings of harming my daughter but my husband worked nights and I was so scared I wouldn't know what to do. I was also attempting breast feeding and it actually made me feel very alienated. I had troubles getting my milk to produce so my baby was always hungry and I wasn't comfortable exposing myself in front of people so I felt I was always going off alone. I felt frustrated and like a failure because I couldn't get my milk to produce where other young mom's were able to get a ton for extra bottles even I could barely get 3 oz. There definitely was not enough to store. Then your made to feel like a criminal because you dared to feed your child formula?! Well she had to eat right?!

I was staying a lot with my mother and my marriage was getting very tumultuous. We even had to separate for nearly a year just to get our bearings back. I couldn't explain to anyone why I was so afraid. I didn't even know myself exactly why I was petrified to go home alone with the baby. It was a very confusing time and I felt constantly judged and harassed. I loved my baby so much though and she still has grown to toddlerhood full of love. She has the most magical personality. She lights up a room! :) I'm not exactly sure how I got over my fears other than she got older and we got in to more of a routine. I often feel silly because she was an angel baby. She never had trouble sleeping or napping. I honestly could not explain why I was afraid to take her home alone.

So much has happened since those dastardly days! Now I can't bear to be away from my daughter. She makes me feel complete and I would do anything for her happiness. One good thing to come from my time living with my mom is she is extremely close to my mom (her Grammy) which is something I really wanted for her. I always wanted to have a close relationship with my gram so I am very glad she gets to. My father died may 2012 which devastated our family but I know she has the best guardian angel in the world and he would have made the best grandpappy! My parents raised me to make family first and he did so much for us. I miss him so much and will be sure to tell my baby how much he loved her when she is older.

Now she is a happy bubbly one year old. She loves to give kisses and hugs and always makes me laugh. Her smile just beams across her tiny face and everyone that meets her loves her. All of my early motherhood trials like the anxiety and feelings of alienation to enlisting help from my mom and taking time off from my husband while we both adjusted separately so Chloe didnt have to be around arguing, has made us all stronger and better. I wasn't ashamed to ask for help or attempt to share my feelings. I loved my daughter and still do and just wanted to be the best for her and I realized I am her mommy. She loves me no matter how imperfect I am. And everyday we learn more and more about each other and love each other more than words can say. I don't regret being a mom for a second. She is my gift from above and I couldn't ask for more. I'm looking so forward to embarking on this lifelong journey together but she will always be my baby. :)

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