It may have taken three lefts to get there, but I am indeed headed right, in the proper direction. Now, is the best time of my life.
The first "left" came after missing great family times. I was doing laundry when I was taken back to a boat ride in the darkness. My heart dropped right back to 1997 thanks to the photos hanging in my laundry room from a trip to Disney Land and The Pirates of the Caribbean Ride.
I remember doing cartwheels in the near-vacant streets of the most magical place on earth. It was our first visit and every single ride and attraction was the coolest! Nothing since has been more joyful for me. After leaving Mickey, we went on a mission, an awesome beach seeking mission. It was time for the kids to meet the beach and all its splendor. We wanted to find a beach town that was brand new to all of us. (If you've done that as well, no matter what beach, isn't that something?)
We drove up 133 South, the highway turned into Broadway as we entered this new incredible place. And then, I don't remember moving or blinking. It was as if time slowed, and then stopped. We were face to face with the horizon, main beach, and the ocean in full view. Perfection. We were all shamazed, both shocked and amazed! (Hayden's word.) It also felt like we were keenly aware of the priceless moment and how Laguna Beach would be a part of our lives and many future visits.
In the laundry room surrounded by dirty towels and these memories, tears filled my eyes as I deeply missed that family, that time. I need to stay present, I still have so much, I thought. It was that realization that became the "left" turn. That family is still in my life and I love them to the moon and back. The kids are grown, but I feel confident as life rolls on that the four of us, along with their significant others, will always be connected.
Like planets beyond the moon, much of my extended family is now very far away. We've all been through some major changes which began around the time my mother passed away nearly 4 years ago. It's clear to me that she was only visible in an artificial way, like through slides of a View Master.
The last half of her life, for the most part, people only saw what she wanted them to see; only what she had prepared for viewing, one slide at a time. At every turn the list of things to hide and her deep flaws grew. Simultaneously, her attention and focus was mostly on the nearest stars in her life. They'd been there from the beginning and she knew them well. Her ancestry, stories of the old days, and events including her parents were all vibrant images that she offered to anyone looking.
But, she was hiding a dark side, so many secrets with lies to cover lies. A big one was me; I was the secret, the lie of a life time. I wasn't born under the circumstance I was always told. I didn't have my family's genetics or traits, nor their medical history. I was adopted and brought to live with the family when I was a month old. She painted a different picture; there was Bobby and Susie, a dog, a white picket fence, and a perfect family. It was not. Only the true "View Master" knows each and every detail, He knows the heart and motivations of my mother.
This truth and reality storm was also the cause of some planets fleeing out of my universe, a voluntary Pluto-move, if you will. Things will never be the same and I can't bring back someone who doesn't want back. I can only be patient and hope for a better connection in the future. I have today and what's left of the storm, leaving me to play; blocked-memory catch up, family feud-ing, who's my daddy, and patience is a virtue (with my birth aunt, Deb.) Hopefully, she thinks it’s a virtue as well and is able to hang in there.
While I share (or indulge to describe) some of how I've been wronged in my universe, I know I am not alone, many in the adoption community, or "tribe" as Dr. Estes calls it, have suffered a broad range of challenges. There are also those with deep hard-ships and losses. The next "left" happened in realizing the need for more letting go. It's always the past that grows like a virus, and I find I'm unaware of it until the right cosmic event. While I want to recall with joy, that family, it did take me back to other difficult times that need to be released.
The reason I feel this is the best time of my life, and also my final "left" turn, is explained by this quote:
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
I dream of a life filled with grandchildren and all the love and laughter that comes with that family of mine. I dream of helping other's, most especially adopted and fostered youth. And, finally, I dream of the glorious day when all adopted adults have the right to their own original birth certificate. By having the OBC-key, we can unlock our ancestry, genetics, and the often vital medical family history. Adopted people deserve to have those things available, just the same as the non-adopted.
With my life today and my dreams; it is indeed the best time. I choose it.
However, hear me preach as if I stand above you (bible in hand.) This goes out to the, "But you had a good life" folks:
Just because I am who I am now, choosing to be happy, grateful, and hopeful, does not mean that my adoptive mother did anything right!
The two are separate; my mother and her choices and who I am today! I have indeed put down the View Master!
Stay present (let go of the past,) do things you love, open your eyes to the best times of your life; it could be right now, today!
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