It's been almost a year since my son entered this world. Yesterday, I almost took him out of it. You know what I'm talking about. That moment when your little angel turns into Satan.
In. A. Restaurant.
Yes, my very well behaved child who is a joy to be around 99% of the time chose Father's Day to have his ultimate "terrible twos" meltdown at the ripe old age of 11 months at a fine dining establishment.
Let me walk you through it.
1) Our family of 3 is sat at the smallest table known to man. I will never know why hostesses choose to place families in the tiniest of areas. Don't you know that we need a frickin' buffet table for all of our crap?
2) Child is placed in high chair. Child immediately grabs glass salt shaker.
3) Salt shaker is rescued. Child begins to cry. Binky is supplemented for noise.
4) Child removes binky and throws it to the floor. Mom bends down to pick it up, child begins to eat table.
5) Waitress returns. Waitress is sent away. Mom has not even looked at menu.
6) Yogurt snacks are offered to child. Child launches them to floor. Mom bends down and picks up yogurt snacks, child grabs mom's hair.
7) Waitress returns. Drink order is placed. Mom orders iced tea. Dad orders cocktail. Mom orders iced tea because she is yet to look at menu. Waitress leaves.
8) Mom continues to offer one yogurt snack at a time. Finally reads menu.
9) Waitress arrives. Order is placed. Dad orders second cocktail. Mom still drinks iced tea.
10) Chicken tenders arrive for child. Dad cuts tenders into itty bitty pieces. Mom places chicken in front of child. Child places chicken in mouth and proceeds to projectile spit them across the table.
11) Child begins to scream and cry. Mom removes child from high chair and placed child on knee. Mom begins to bounce child violently.
12) Man at nearby table begins to stare and snicker.
13) Waitress returns. Mom orders Bloody Mary.
14) Drink arrives. Child is placed back in high chair. Child is offered a cookie. Child silently eats cookie. Mom has one sip of cocktail. Child rubs entire cookie into hair. Mom cleans cookie out of hair. Child throws tantrum.
15) Child is offered another cookie. Child throws cookie to the ground and begins to eat shoe. How the fuck did you get your shoe?
16) Mom takes shoe from child. Replaces shoe on child's foot. Child kicks other shoe off in the process. Shoe goes all the way under the table. Dad retrieves shoe.
17) Food arrives. Meltdown continues. Dad asks "should we take it to go?" Mom begins to cry. Mom insists on having dinner in the restaurant. Meltdown continues. Mom offers alcohol laced celery stalk to child. Child throws it to the ground. Damn!
18) Mom forcefully removes child from high chair. Male onlooker gives mother dirty look. Mom says "fuck off" with her eyes. Places child in corner of booth. Offers car keys, sippy cup, and shoes. Yes, shoes. Don't judge.
19) Parents begin to eat. In silence.
20) Child stands up in booth and begins banging on walls with binky. Mom sits child back down, offers keys, shoes, sippy cup, and binky. Child continues to repeatedly stand up and bang on walls.
21) Dad jokingly says to mom "You had to eat here when I just wanted to order in. " Both start laughing uncontrollably.
22) Waitress returns with check and child's ice cream. Yes, let's reward bad behavior. And we did....
And in that moment of complete exhaustion my little spawn of Chuckie became the center of our world once more.
What was your worst restaurant experience with your little one?
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