1. McDonald's Shakes
Okay, first off, what ever happened to like the 99 cents meal? Here I am with my bag o' coins (#mybankaccount), hitting up the drive thru for one of like the best meals ever--"a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch...oh, wait...they probs don't mean McDonald's shakes...screw it--anyway, and the milkshake rings in at $2.50! WTF? Hold on, son! You didn't just say that to me! I had like $1.50 at the ready in silver, and here he was all up in my face, dawg, asking for more coin! Not only that, when I got this shake, it looked nothing like the shakes I remember of yesteryear (#childhooddinner). Like, they used to be a super-thick white melted ice cream that you'd have to suck super-hard to get any in your mouth (totes BJ reference). Anyway, you know what I mean? These ones today are for p*ssies. My toddler ripped his down in about 3 minutes. How thick can they be now? Answer is: not. Also, half of this "shake" is now composed of whipped cream and a gross cherry on top. So sick and wrong. This bums me out.
2. Busted Diapers in the Wash
Since I'm always going like 90 mph and have about 0.2 seconds to throw in a load of wash before my barnacle is calling "Mommy!" up the precarious flight of stairs that I envision her climbing up and then falling down, I tend to slam the wash into the washer in heaps. I don't actually LOOK at what's going in there, and occasionally I'll go balls-to-the-wall-homemaker and even separate the colors from whites. Well, twice now this summer I have found a used and mangled diaper in the washing machine. And how did I know this? Because when I opened it up to transfer to the dryer, millions of jellied balls covered the clothes, like fish roe on sushi. And they also lined my brand new washing machine with all the bells and whistles! (#livid). There is nothing harder to clean that these effing jellies...There are still some in the lint vent, and they're just getting hot and frying over and over, and they don't smell good. This bums me out.
3. Summer Television (should be called "Bummer Television")
With the exception of Bachelor In Paradise, Teen Mom, and Real Housewives, there is nothing on television worth watching at night in the summer. Here I am rushing the kids in bed, so that I can pour that glass of wine, sit down with a mountain of mini pretzels and Extra Sharp Cabot cheese (#eatwholeblockofit), and turn into a total tube zombie (#fuckconversationatnight), and there is nothing on! I mean, I can't even find anything to DVR! Tonight, I actually DVR'd 20/20 on OWN--Fateful Love, or something like that...only to find I'd seen it like three summers ago! That totally bummed me out.
4. House Water Filtration
So, given that we live with like Civil Action water here in Cape Cod, I called about getting my whole house on a water filtration system. When I spoke to the ONE man that actually does this from the fuel company (wait, isn't it weird that like a FUEL company is cleaning my water of chemicals? Isn't fuel like a chemical? (#shady), he told me that the house filtration kills off "bacteria, chlorine, sediment and copper in the water."
ME: Okay, but what about the toxic bi-products that the chlorine is now creating when mixed in with the plume in our water source? (Son, I took Bio 101 Pass/Fail! You're not going to pull one over on me!)
HIM: It cleans sediment, copper, chlorine, bacteria.
ME: Okay, but what about like the poison?
HIM: Are you talking about drinking water or shower water?
HIM: Well we can get almost everything (#notanythingimportant) out of the drinking water, but we can't remove everything from the shower water.
ME: But isn't that how we ingest like 80 percent of our water? (I should have a Ph.D with these stats).
HIM: (Silence) It cleans chlorine, copper, sediment and bacteria. (insert Rain Main voice on repeat).
ME: (Deep breath) Mmmmkay. I'll get back to you.
AND.....SCENE! This bums me out.
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