When I'm working, I feel like I should be playing with the kids (actually they are standing there telling be I should be playing with them). So I never put in the time I promise myself I'm going to put in. When I am spending time with the kids, my mind constantly wanders to that pile of dirty laundry that's been giving me the evil eye for two days or the scene I promised my writing partner I'd have finished tonight. And if I buckle down to write that scene, I'm haunted by the money I'm not making chasing a dream instead of putting in hours at my "real job". And since I am obviously a glutton for punishment, I then start a blog so I can feel guilty about not posting regularly. Oh and I did I mention my parents have started a new family business. How much is it for that cloning thingy? I need like three. After I run on this guilt treadmill for about a week, I spaz out and do nothing for a full 24 hours, which will only give me more guilt fuel for doing nothing when there's so much to be done.
I've seen WAHMs who juggle everything without dropping a ball. How the hell do they do that??? They are scheduled and structured and manage their time all efficient-like. That's how I imagined myself to be. I can barely manage to find time for a shower. I try so hard. I make to do lists, I meal plan, I schedule time for everything and I write it all in my cute way too expensive planner, and I stick to it for 3 days at the most then I can't find the lists, forgo the meal plan for grilled cheese and forget to crack the planner open for days at a time. Then I start all over again at which time I see that I missed my daughter's eye doctor appointment, a writing deadline and didn't send the cable payment.
I'm so tired of being tired, so I promise this to myself today. The guilt stops now. I will not make to-do lists that are longer than my supermarket receipts. I will not flog myself if a Martha Stewart dinner isn't on the table every night. I will not trade sleep for work. I will not expect two novels a month. I will not make activity filled mind stimulating playdates with my kids.
I will do what I can on the list, and give the finger to what I can't. Laundry be damned! When the kitchen starts to look like a prison, I will serve PBJ with a smile. I'll just hang with my kids and veg out. I will write my movie, my novel and this blog, when I feel inspired. And I will sleep, at least sometimes. I will learn how to say No, I can't do that! Even to myself. And I will not feel guilty ( or at least I'm really, really going to try). And now I have to sign off because that evil laundry pile is starting send me death threats.
Shavon Robinson "The Ovulator"
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