Should I Thank My Cousin For Making My Crappy Wedding Veil?

2 years ago

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just got married less than a month ago and everything is spectacular on that front. However, I have a little “Thank You Card” etiquette question.

My cousin made my veil; a birdcage, which is important to note. She is a design school graduate and a professional haberdasher, so I trusted her. I wasn't just having her do a family favor. She also offered to make hair dealios for my bridesmaids (clips, pins, headbands and such).

I spent about three hours in NYC's garment district and $200 laboriously picking out the exact things I wanted in the right colors with varying textures.

She took forever to finish them and I wasn't able to get them until the DAY BEFORE my wedding. So then when I finally received them and they were awful, I was stuck. She didn't use any of the supplies I sent her or make them similar to the pictures I sent.

The worst part was that the birdcage veil was SO small that even after I took the whole thing apart there was barely even enough to stretch across my face. I was crying hours before the ceremony trying to salvage my veil and cursing her for not making them like I asked.

My question: Do I forget it all and send her a thank you card so that I don't make waves? And when she inevitably asks how everything was or sees pictures (she didn't come to the wedding) and asks why I took the veil apart or why none I the bridesmaids wore their hair things, what do I say?

The Newest Mrs.


Credit: Asa Shutts.

Dear The Newest Mrs.,

I have to admit that, not being very sophisticated, I wasn’t sure what a “birdcage veil” even was when I read your letter. Old newspapers, bird seed and a few feathers shaped into a flattering head piece? I mean, I could totally see some of my old Oregon hippie friends doing that. But then I Googled “birdcage veil” and saw that’s it’s actually a very pretty netting thing that goes over your face. Sort of like what a fancy hockey-player would wear to get hitched.

Now we all agree that what your cousin did was absolutely jerky and selfish. She obviously didn’t care for your design or ideas and just did what she wanted to do. (Those professional haberdashers have such attitudes. Which is why I always go to amateur haberdashers for my custom do-rags.) And for that reason, as well as the reason that you’re relatives, I think you need to be honest with her and tell her she hurt your feelings on your special day. I mean, if someone did something that made me cry on my wedding day, I’d make sure to tell them.

I’m guessing that the veil redesign wasn’t due to any malice on her part, just simple insensitivity. So if you want to take the high road and avoid a confrontation, just send her a basic thank you note. But I think you’d feel better if you instead sent her a letter explaining why you are upset and how she didn't listen to what you wanted.

She might not respond well, but at least you've been honest and gotten it off your chest. After all, you don't want to suppress your feelings so much that in 40 years you'll be at a family reunion and she'll come say "hi" and, next thing you know, you're smashing a plate into her face and screaming, "HERE'S A BIRDCAGE VEIL MADE OUT OF POTATO SALAD, BITCH."

(But if you do, be sure to get it on video for me.)

Good luck,
Wendi, TMH

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