Putting One Foot In Front of the Other

9 years ago

The first two weeks of school have passed us by. Smoothly, with no
big hurdles to jump…except that part where I got talked into accepting
the role as a home room mom. Yeah.

It’s a tippy-toe dip back into my pre-Peyton-cancer life.

Before she got sick I was all about the PTA, volunteering to read in
the classrooms, bringing the baked goods, making photocopies, cutting
out stuff, doing whatever to keep the teachers happy because happy
teachers mean happy classrooms.

Then she was diagnosed the summer before Rachael went kindergarten and Nathaniel went into second grade.

Hello, I’m going to drop off my kid, forget to bring their
lunchbox, probably left their agenda on the kitchen table (remember to
sign it? I scoff!), they may not have gone to bed until 10 pm because
they came down to visit us at the hospital that’s an hour away, and
they are probably going to cry at some point during the day
because…..well, their life stinks. And ME?  I got nothing for you.

I had so many days when the kids asked me to do something, come meet
them for lunch, bring in snacks for movie day, something. And I had to
say no.  The PTF group didn’t even ask me to volunteer for any jobs
because they knew I was going to say no.

But this year is a new start.  This year is the first year I’m
really starting to see the light at the end of this chemo tunnel.  I’m
making some baby steps and some groundshaking steps into freeing us from the restrictive lives we’ve inhabited for the past 2+ years.

I can be a homeroom mom.  I can plan a weekend where I’m going to
leave my kids. I can see a future that spans farther than the end of
the week. I can try to recapture that mom I was before.

Yet, REALLY? I can’t.

Because, I will always be the mom of a cancer child.  I will bear
the scars of that forever.  The part of me that sailed through life
blinded to the mortality of children died with Peyton’s diagnosis.  I
can’t go back.  I can’t close my eyes to that.  Ever.

In a lot of ways her cancer diagnosis changed my life for the
positive.  I try very hard to glean every blessing out of it I can or
it could cripple me.  I know that living in the NOW is all we have. 
You have to hold tightly to the joys that each day brings, because we
aren’t promised tomorrow.  God has a great plan. I seek my place in
that.  I don’t always like it. I often throw myself on the floor in a
tantrum and rage against what He lays in my path.  But like any parent,
he grabs my hand, gives me a good solid shake and sets me back on my

The visual of my life as a darkened path, with light only coming
after I’ve walked a step is so clear to me.  It’s scary, frightening,
the end is shrouded in the darkness of the unknown.  I hesitate and
falter.  But I have faith that the next step I take is the one that the
Lord laid in front of me.

I will put my foot into the darkness and my heart will be enlightened.

Please keep the many children battling cancer in your prayers.  Consider being registered with the bone marrow registry.  Give blood.  Donate to support our team for the Cure Kids Cancer Challenge, where our team will be walking in honor of Peyton and in memory of the many friends who lost their battles.


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