Last week I made a public announcement about my plans to get pregnant soon. After I hit the "publish" button, this was the one and only thought that was bouncing around my brain: "Shit! Shit! Shit!" Not because I told the whole wide world. But because of what it was that I promised.
When I made the decision about creating this blog, I expected my husband to oppose the idea and argue about the privacy rights. To my big surprise, he did not. Now I think he realized right then that it puts him one step closer to getting what he truly desires -- another child.
When I told him the blog went public and confessed I feel about the next pregnancy very much the same as I would about my own death sentence, he smirked and said: "You have to do it. It's journalism. You have responsibilities." He also started wearing a T-shirt with a picture of a penguin sitting on eggs and a written statement "Daddy-to-be" a lot. I can't decide if it is dorky-adorable or plainly irritating. (I have to say that I don't understand why he wants to go through another pregnancy with me. If I were him and wanted another child, I would just find another woman who can handle these things better. For once, I refused to kiss him for 9 months, because it made me want to puke. You draw your own conclusions about the other things he was not getting.)
I can't help but wonder if I started this blog so that I feel more obligated to do what I said I would do. I am like that. I hate to disappoint people. I am highly reliable. So here we are. For those of you who already started a countdown, let me clear one thing up. We are not going "live" for at least another 3 weeks. There are two reasons for this -- one is that I will not be ovulating anyways and while I am not ovulating, I would rather be drinking, and the other is that I have signed up for a half-marathon I would like to run, which would be very hard to achieve while throwing up. It's bad enough I always get diarrhea after seven miles of running.
So as I am going through my days caring for the kid (frequently), training for a half-marathon (sporadically) and obsessing about the future (incessantly), I have decided to make a list of five things I am dreading and five things I am looking forward to:
Things I am Dreading:
1.) Lack of alcohol. Potential waste of time not drinking. I am married to a doctor. I am married to the kind of doctor that does not support drinking while pregnant or while trying to get pregnant. You know those doctors who tell you "everything in moderation, one drink can't do any harm"? He is not one of them. He takes my wine, beer and liquor away and feeds me prenatal vitamins months in advance. (Yes, I am already taking them, in case you are wondering. It's all about neural tube developing properly.)
2.) Decision making. Should we do the prenatal screening or should we not? Last time the screening came back positive, only to be proved wrong. Do I want to stress about my child having Down syndrome (or another genetic disorder) when he does not? Do I want to be lulled into thinking he does not have one, only to find out at birth he does? I don't know if I would keep a child that has a certain genetic disorder. I don't know if I could ever have an abortion, no matter what kind of a disorder the kid would have. I don't believe in God, so I can't just rely on him making the decision for me. See what I mean? I don't need this kind of stress in my life.
3.) More decision making. If I am sick again, Zofran or no Zofran? In case you don't know, Zofran is a drug used to prevent nausea and vomiting caused by cancer chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and surgery. It works by blocking the action of serotonin, a natural substance that may cause nausea and vomiting. I took it for a month when I was pregnant with the kid. It's the most bizarre thing; you still feel like you are going to puke, but you just don't. It does not appear that it could harm the fetus in horrible ways, but just like everything else, it was not tested on pregnant women (at least not at large). It also has a terrible side effect; it causes constipation you can't even begin to imagine.
Here is the most embarrassing scene from my pregnancy (and my life): me, sitting on the toilet, backed up to a degree that it threatens to come out of my ears, only it can't. It is there, almost making its way out, causing pain to my bottom that makes me weep, with no results at the end of a 30 minute pushing session (and let me tell you -- I was pushing way harder than when giving birth). Until I eventually gave up on my morals and my dignity and finally set the things into action by sticking my finger up my butt, crying hysterically mainly because of the feeling of pure defeat and shame, which was the moment when Peter got home, and seeing me in a complete breakdown on the toilet assumed we lost the baby. As you can see, this would be a perfect opening scene in a film noir, followed by a husband jumping out of the window in despair, landing on a car that is a get-away vehicle of a drug lord, not to be seen again for another 20 years, only to emerge as the drug lord's right hand dealing a deadly cocktail to his unknown son (or something along those lines). Zofran is dangerous, people!
4.) Impact of another pregnancy on my body -- both aesthetic and functional. You know all those women who say they don't really care what their bodies look like after children, because they proudly carry the scars, stretch marks, pouches and extra pounds as their badges of honor? I don't relate to them. I'll deal with it. I will accept that some things in life just plainly suck and you have to give something up in order to get something else, but I will still think that some things in life just plainly suck. Like your stomach after birth. And the way it never snaps quite back. And the way your bladder can't keep everything it could before. And the way your vagina is bigger and looser now, even if your husband is too nice (and smart) of a person to agree to that statement.
5.) Impact of my mood swings and the lack of sleep on my family. To this I can only say -- god help them. Actually, let me rephrase -- god help us all.
Things I am Looking Forward To:
1.) Boobs! They got so amazingly huge once I got pregnant! I will never forget that beautiful sunny day when I walked to Victoria's Secret to buy new bras and the girl who measured me said, "You are 36C." I skipped joyfully back home. I had to fight especially hard to keep my lunch in my stomach, but I just had to skip. C cup! That later even became a D cup for a moment! Bless pregnancy for this wonderful gift!
5.) OK, boobs it is!
There. Now that I spelled it out, hopefully I can face my fears and keep remembering the good things. Cheers to boobs!
Photo Credit: lizdavenportcreative.
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