I always hear people talk about their “Parenting Philosophies” and I feel inadequate because I don’t have one, aside from “Do what you gotta do,” which is more of a motto or survival tip and doesn’t sound very philosophical.
So I decided to get inspiration from some of the great philosophers in history.
I give to you now, my Paraphrased Parenting Philosophies:
“I think, therefore I am.” - Rene Descartes
“I stink, therefore I pooped in my diaper.”
“Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it." - Confucius
"Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it gets tossed in the recycle bin."
“He who thinks great thoughts, often makes great errors.” – Martin Heideggar
“She who makes great dinners, often makes great meals nobody eats.”
“One cannot step twice in the same river.” – Heraclitus
“One cannot pee twice in the same Pull-Up.”
“The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it.” – Epicurus
“The greater the tantrum, the more glory in ignoring it.”
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” – Socrates
“The unexploded diaper is not worth changing.”
“The life of man (in a state of nature) is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” – Thomas Hobbes
"The temper of a toddler (in a state of over-tiredness) is unpredictable, poor, nasty, brutish and short."
“Liberty consists in doing what one desires.” – John Stuart Mill
"Liberty consists in peeing in privacy."
“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” - Bishop George Berkeley
"If my kid loses a tooth and I don’t post it on facebook, did it really happen?"
“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide.” – Albert Camus
"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is, ‘Is it ever okay to wake a sleeping baby?’”
“The greatest happiness of the greatest number is the foundation of morals and legislation.” -Jeremy Bentham
"The greatest happiness of the greatest number is the foundation of television and other screen time."
“Leisure is the mother of philosophy.” – Thomas Hobbes
"Leisure is the mother of grown children."
“There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers.” – William James
“There is only one thing a parenting expert can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other parenting experts.”
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle
“We are what we repeatedly do. Emptying the dishwasher, then, is not an act, but a cruel, cruel joke.”
“Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.” – G. W. F. Hegel
“Only one child ever listened to me, and she didn’t listen to me.”
“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” – Plato
“You can discover more about a parent in an hour of playing Chutes & Ladders than in a year of therapy.”
“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” – mistakenly attributed to Edmund Burke
“All that is necessary for the ire of wives is that good men do nothing.”
“I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.” – Ludwig Wittgenstein
“I don’t know why we are at Chuck E. Cheese’s, but I’m pretty sure it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.”
“The only thing I know is that I know nothing.” – Socrates
“The only thing I know is that somebody forgot to flush.”
“Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains.” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau
“Children are born naked, but are everywhere discarding clothes on the floor.”
“Man is condemned to be free.” – Jean-Paul Sartre
"Parents are condemned to have children."
“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” – Søren Kierkegaard
“The function of bribery is not to spoil the child, but rather to change the behavior that is driving the one who bribes mad.”
“Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.” – Denis Diderot
“Parents will never be free until the last child is dry in the last pair of diapers.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” - Confucius
"Before you embark on a journey to bedtime, pour two glasses of wine."
“God is dead! He remains dead! And we have killed him.” – Friedrich Nietzsche
"Sleep is dead. It remains dead. And the kids have killed it."
What are your parenting philosophies?
This post originally appeared on Greetings from the Hotel Bassemonte
More from parenting